Saturday, March 15, 2014

Depression Hits but, I'm Still Happy.

Depression is like this brick that is never off your chest.  Sometimes you find a way to release the pressure but it always comes back as a black hole that seems to grow bigger every time it hits.

Tonight it's hitting me hard again.  I'll make it just fine, but it's still hard to get through the day at times.  Guy and I have been together for just shy of a year now and it's been quite nice.  He sleeps over a few times a week, and it's just a nice feeling walking around among our group of co-workers holding hands after so long of hiding things.  He still has his issues, like being girl crazy, but he really goes out of his way to spoil me.  Sometimes its really hard for me to let my guard down and to let him spoil me, but I'm learning to let him do what he wants since it makes him happy and makes me happy.

It's just so sad that even though I'm so happy, depression overwhelms my happiness.  I'm still scared of getting hurt, it runs through my head all the time actually.  I won't allow my fear to stop this though.  As long as he's happy with me then that's all that matters.  Hopefully I don't screw this up because I don't want to ever let him go.  It's been years now and my feelings towards him have only grown more.  I've decided when it's time and he makes the same decision I have, well lets just say i'm going to make him very happy.  Hopefully he'll come to the same conclusion that I have and never let me go.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Wow has it been a long time!

I thought I had updated this blog a long time ago, but guess I didn't. 

So an update:
Cowboy the day after I wrote the last blog disappeared and never spoke to me again.  It was odd.  I texted him twice and never got a reply back.  I'm not the type of girl to bother people. If you want to text me, then you will if not, I'm not even going to bother trying.  So I still am not sure why things happened the way they did, but that's ok.  Not really interested in dealing with a guy that didn't really want to be around.

As for Guy?  Well, since the last post we decided to commit to each other and things really started going fantastic.  It's been 5 months now and things have only gotten better in our relationship.  He seems happy which is one of my wishes for him and I am happy, well as happy as depression will let you be.  We just recently went on a 4 day trip and really had fun.  We are finally getting comfortable with each other and it shows.  Finally feels like a real relationship that I have really wanted.

Ex is completely out of my life now, his choice.  On July 4th, Guy and I had to stop into a local grocery store on the way to a festival he was helping out at.  This store just happened to be the store that Ex worked at.  So before we drove there I texted EX to be kind and and make sure he wasn't working.  If he was we would have went to the store that was 5 miles the opposite direction that we were going (and we were pushed for time).  Ex FLIPPED OUT on me over text.  I mean just went off.   We had agreed not to bring each others SO's around each other but he brought his GF to MY HOUSE to grab stuff that he had left behind.  I really didn't care, I was happy he was moving on and was happy, but for me to do something like run into the store for 5 mins with Guy was the biggest sin ever and after that out side of me wishing him a Happy Birthday and him wishing me a Happy Birthday, not a peep.  It's kind of odd walking into his work (closest store and cheapest store so I shop there still) and having his work pals give me dirty looks while I shop.

So yeah, things are looking well for once.  Now if I can only get out of debt, have healthy dogs, and find a better car I would be even happier!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Three Words That Stop The World

Well Guy threw me a HUGE curve ball tonight.  It's no secret my feelings toward him, and hope much I just wanted him in my life to feel the same way as I did towards him.  Some actual clue as to where things were going and so forth.  Now I'm so conflicted.

So heres how the day went.  Cowboy spent the night here last night.  We started doing some drinking, just a beer, but it put me into an instant depression.  I cuddled up to him for the night and it was just a great night.  Woke up this morning to find him already dressed to head out, at 9am.  Really pissed me off.  So I spent the morning just being depressed and mopy.

Well I guess Guy was in the same mood.  I could tell instantly he was in a mood, I speak fluent Guy lingo anymore.  I told him I was really depressed but I'd get over it.  (I was just wanting to check on him since I blew him off the night before for Cowboy).  Then comes the words:

"You need to do what's right for you and makes you happy.  Don't worry about me I'll live. I'm crazy in love with you and always will be here if you change your mind"

Me: I'm a bit confused

Him: I'm the reason you're depressed.  I know I'm not enough for you.  You should be happy.  I take that away from you.

Hes... in... love... with... me...  WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!  I just don't get it.  Why now, after all of these months... wait a YEAR, why NOW????  Why tell me now?    I'm so torn.  Cowboy is awesome, and I know will go out of his way to make me happy.  Guy tries so hard but is so conflicted with himself.  Cowboy is 2 years older then I am while Guy in 12.  I dunno. I'm so confused because honestly I've loved Guy for a long time now but he said he didn't want a girlfriend or a relationship with me so I never said how I felt.  Figured I would just go along until I found someone else or he finally smartened up and did something.  Now I've found someone else ANY Guy smartened up.

Guess I'll just keep dating both (Guy does know about Cowboy) and see what happens.  I feel just like a horrible person for doing that though.  But I can't give up on Cowboy when Guy is so flip floppy.  WHY WHY WHY CAN'T LIFE BE SIMPLE?!?!?!


Friday, April 19, 2013

Life and it's Twists

So last month after another boring Friday and Saturday night, alone, bored, lonely I decided to reactivate my profile on an online dating site. It didn't take long before I got the same old guys messaging me along with a few new faces. One caught my attention and we seemed to hit it off really well online. He had a nice sense of humor, and had me laughing online, so when he asked me out I said sure. A bonfire, some beer, and hanging out was in order. Well he decided he couldn't wait and asked me to dinner a few days early. 30mins to get around isn't much time so I just tossed on my favorite jeans, my black heeled boots, and a nice little sweater and headed out to see him. Took him awhile to come out of his shell, and I do mean a while. Wasn't sure how things were going until the last little part of the date when everything fell into place.

That was a month ago. I actually really like him. That rarely happens where not only am I instantly attracted to a guy (in fact it's only happened once before) and we hit it off. He's pretty much became apart of my house. He'll stay the night, gives me random kisses when we are out and about, holds me close, and does those small things I've missed so much. Heck he even likes my dogs! He'll be referred to as Cowboy for now since he's a cowboy at heart.

Meanwhile Guy is still around, and I just can't find it in myself to break things off with him since well, there's not a real relationship to break off. I know that having me around gives him the strength that he needs sometimes to make it through his day and I don't want to take that from him even though I really want to start taking things seriously with Cowboy. Next month would be the one year anniversary of when we decided to try things again. Nothing has really changed at all. In fact since Guy got another part time job, besides 30mins here and there I never see him. We text a lot because his jobs aren't busy jobs, but he still has only stayed over at my house once in this whole year. Cowboy has already stayed 3 times, and he'd stay a lot more if his job didn't require him to be up at 6am.

I'll have to bring it up to Guy really soon before he finds out through the grapevine. I know Guy and I could have been very happy together and still could be but he isn't ready for that and I think that when I stop being a "secret" in his life I'll lose my luster with him. It just sucks but I've gotta focus on what makes me happy and I can tell you having a guy to cuddle up with at night, who actually offers to come take care of me when I'm sick (and does), offers to come to the vet and sit with me while I take care of my dog is something that makes me much happier then a guy who just says "is there anything I can do for you?"

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Oh Valentines Day

You know, I really have never really liked this day at all.  Even when I had a Boyfriend it never felt right.  I remember one time my Ex bringing home a dozen roses for me, and be being pissed at him for it.  I was mad because we had no money and here he was spending unnecessary money on something that could have fed us for a few days when a single $3.99 rose would have meant the same thing to me or a $1.99 card, or just a back rub, cuddle, and loving sex.  I really shouldn't have been so hard on him looking back on it.  He tried so hard sometimes to make me happy and it was I who was the one who was setting our relationship up for sabotage. What he never learned was what I really wanted from him which has his love.  Him holding onto me for no reason at all.  Him pulling me to him on the couch and just gazing into my eyes and telling me what I actually meant to him.  No matter how I tried to explain it to him, he couldn't understand that while material things are nice, I didn't need them.  I needed him more.

Today was my second time as an adult being single on Valentines day and yet today had to be one of the best Valentines days I ever had.  Why?  Because it was simple.

I didn't expect Guy to do anything for me today since I'm not his girlfriend and doubt I'll even get that title in his life.  Instead he came by before I went to work which was wonderful.  1 1/2 hours of just cuddling, chit-chatting, and some kissing.  Perfect for me, just what I wanted... what I needed.  By the time I had to be at work, I felt like I was the happiest women in the world, I wasn't but it just felt great.  Here's a guy who while has his MAJOR faults (which I need to always keep in mind), took time before he started his day to come over and hold me.  That thrilled me.  I went to work with a huge smile on my face.

Guy surprised the hell out of me while I was at work.  I honestly think he forgot it was Valentines Day.  Out of no where, a bag of chocolates and a card appeared on my desk.  He quickly dropped it off with a smile on his face since I was helping a customer and I know I blushed like crazy.  That single move was the sweetest thing I could have ever wanted.  I'm a private person who doesn't like standing out so flowers would have been too much since everyone would have to see them and would have drawn attention to me.  Those candies and card were just enough for me to know that he cared.  That he took time out of his day to stop and grab those for me and not make me uncomfortable for the day.  Yeah, I know he didn't think that out at all, but it was perfect.

So today was pretty darn good of a day.  I"m going to bed with a smile on my face and good thoughts on my mind.

Friday, February 1, 2013

They Say We Women Are Hard To Understand

I know we really are hard to understand but I think guys are just as difficult at times.  I know a lot of it has to to with the differences between men and women but dang they are hard to understand.

Tonight Guy decided to stop over, really for no reason.  I think it's come down to him finding any excuse to stop over which honestly I don't mind.  I could tell right away he was in a bad mood, not toward me but in general.  Took him a while to relax but once he did it was a nice afternoon of chitchatting.  Our small talk has really come a long ways from where neither of us could really open up and everything was awkward. He was only suppose to me over for a little bit while he was waiting to go hang out with some friends of his.  Well as soon as he got a phone call saying his friends were running behind, one thing lead to another and well we ended in the bedroom again.  He never expected it which made it even better then normal.  This was all my decision and it was a great one.  As he left he gave me just the deepest hug and kiss, it was mind blowing.  For a guy who said he didn't want to be attached and so forth, things have really started to grow.

Tonight we were texting as always and something he said blew me away:
Me: I'm glad things have ended up the way they have
Him: Me too and I have high hopes for the future, which is rare for me

I'm trying not to think too much into that but wow.  I'm excited to see that he wants a future with me, what type of future who knows but he see's something with me in it.  I know what I feel for him isn't something that is to be ignored.  I know it's something that could grow into more, a lot more.  I'm still holding back no worries, I'm not ready to let that wall down.  It's starting to waver though and I feel it.  Just gotta hold off until he makes it clear to me on his home life.  The only thing that is holding everything back is his ex/girlfriend/whatever.  I know it took me forever to remove my Ex out of my life, but I don't think I can hold out for another year while he gets his act together.  Damn why can't things be easy?  Why can't I find a guy that isn't attached? -sighs-

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Tissues and more Tissues

I don't know what's wrong with me tonight.  Why did I allow myself to get attached to an unreachable guy?  I mean why did I do this to myself?  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  I really should end this but I would really be alone.  He's the only reason why I leave the house, why I go out at all.  I don't like going out alone at all.  I don't even go to the store unless I have to.  I wish I was different.  I wish I was more confident, more sure of myself, happier, in a better mental place.  Instead I'm a loser who hides behind her computer screen hoping that something changes.  Never taking a chance.  Perhaps one day things will click and I'll step out of this shell and become the person I always wish I was.  Until then I guess I'll just hide behind my wall in the shadows and watch my world go by without me in it.