Three Words That Stop The World

Well Guy threw me a HUGE curve ball tonight.  It's no secret my feelings toward him, and hope much I just wanted him in my life to feel the same way as I did towards him.  Some actual clue as to where things were going and so forth.  Now I'm so conflicted.

So heres how the day went.  Cowboy spent the night here last night.  We started doing some drinking, just a beer, but it put me into an instant depression.  I cuddled up to him for the night and it was just a great night.  Woke up this morning to find him already dressed to head out, at 9am.  Really pissed me off.  So I spent the morning just being depressed and mopy.

Well I guess Guy was in the same mood.  I could tell instantly he was in a mood, I speak fluent Guy lingo anymore.  I told him I was really depressed but I'd get over it.  (I was just wanting to check on him since I blew him off the night before for Cowboy).  Then comes the words:

"You need to do what's right for you and makes you happy.  Don't worry about me I'll live. I'm crazy in love with you and always will be here if you change your mind"

Me: I'm a bit confused

Him: I'm the reason you're depressed.  I know I'm not enough for you.  You should be happy.  I take that away from you.

Hes... in... love... with... me...  WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!  I just don't get it.  Why now, after all of these months... wait a YEAR, why NOW????  Why tell me now?    I'm so torn.  Cowboy is awesome, and I know will go out of his way to make me happy.  Guy tries so hard but is so conflicted with himself.  Cowboy is 2 years older then I am while Guy in 12.  I dunno. I'm so confused because honestly I've loved Guy for a long time now but he said he didn't want a girlfriend or a relationship with me so I never said how I felt.  Figured I would just go along until I found someone else or he finally smartened up and did something.  Now I've found someone else ANY Guy smartened up.

Guess I'll just keep dating both (Guy does know about Cowboy) and see what happens.  I feel just like a horrible person for doing that though.  But I can't give up on Cowboy when Guy is so flip floppy.  WHY WHY WHY CAN'T LIFE BE SIMPLE?!?!?!

Life and it's Twists

So last month after another boring Friday and Saturday night, alone, bored, lonely I decided to reactivate my profile on an online dating site. It didn't take long before I got the same old guys messaging me along with a few new faces. One caught my attention and we seemed to hit it off really well online. He had a nice sense of humor, and had me laughing online, so when he asked me out I said sure. A bonfire, some beer, and hanging out was in order. Well he decided he couldn't wait and asked me to dinner a few days early. 30mins to get around isn't much time so I just tossed on my favorite jeans, my black heeled boots, and a nice little sweater and headed out to see him. Took him awhile to come out of his shell, and I do mean a while. Wasn't sure how things were going until the last little part of the date when everything fell into place.

That was a month ago. I actually really like him. That rarely happens where not only am I instantly attracted to a guy (in fact it's only happened once before) and we hit it off. He's pretty much became apart of my house. He'll stay the night, gives me random kisses when we are out and about, holds me close, and does those small things I've missed so much. Heck he even likes my dogs! He'll be referred to as Cowboy for now since he's a cowboy at heart.

Meanwhile Guy is still around, and I just can't find it in myself to break things off with him since well, there's not a real relationship to break off. I know that having me around gives him the strength that he needs sometimes to make it through his day and I don't want to take that from him even though I really want to start taking things seriously with Cowboy. Next month would be the one year anniversary of when we decided to try things again. Nothing has really changed at all. In fact since Guy got another part time job, besides 30mins here and there I never see him. We text a lot because his jobs aren't busy jobs, but he still has only stayed over at my house once in this whole year. Cowboy has already stayed 3 times, and he'd stay a lot more if his job didn't require him to be up at 6am.

I'll have to bring it up to Guy really soon before he finds out through the grapevine. I know Guy and I could have been very happy together and still could be but he isn't ready for that and I think that when I stop being a "secret" in his life I'll lose my luster with him. It just sucks but I've gotta focus on what makes me happy and I can tell you having a guy to cuddle up with at night, who actually offers to come take care of me when I'm sick (and does), offers to come to the vet and sit with me while I take care of my dog is something that makes me much happier then a guy who just says "is there anything I can do for you?"