I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

IT'S NOT WORKING!!!!!!

Why must all the actually good guys that I get along with, that I work well with, that actually make me happy have such things like Guy does?  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!!  Why can't he just be completely unattached?  Why must his Ex live with him?  Ok, yeah I know this is more then likely an affair like relationship but damn it!  WHY WHY WHY?!?!

What leads me to this post you ask?  Well last night he actually crashed at my place.  Yup stayed the whole night.  You know since I left the Ex, I've only had one guy stay over and it was a disaster.  Who wakes up another person just because you are awake when you know they have to work in the morning?  Guy?  He was perfect.  We've spent the night together before, but it was very early in the relationship and was in a tent for 4 days.  Last night was a "real" experience.  Even though I felt him get out of bed a few times, He always tried to be quiet, careful, even made sure I was covered each time when he got up.  It was the sweetest thing.  All night he had a hand on me in some way, even if I laid on the other side of the bed, he would cuddle up close enough to touch me.  I could feel him all night long, it was wonderful.  I am a very clingy girl, I'll admit to that.  I want nothing more then to be held all the time, cuddled with, touched, I don't care if I'm just standing in a store, I LOVE to have an arm wrapped around me randomly and a kiss on the cheek.  It goes a LONG way to making me happy.  I'm also independent, so finding that threshold is hard, but Guy has it nailed.  

I'm really going to be completely heart broken when/if things fall apart.  Sex is amazing, he is amazing, and he makes me happy and I can tell I make him happy (otherwise he wouldn't come over randomly just to hang out, no sex expected).  This just stinks.  -sighs- 

Second Guessing

Today I am second guessing myself.  See I've NEVER been good at being alone.  I remember growing up and watching all my friends starting to date and being very jealous of them.  I've never been good at it.  Guys that I've liked have all felt I was too good for them, that I was out of their league.  I'm not though.  I'm not a perfect woman, I'm actually far from it.  All I want is someone that will go hiking with me, pick me up off the ground randomly, maybe push me up against a tree and kiss me like I'm the only woman for them.  To walk up behind me as I sit somewhere and give me a hug.  To hold me on nights like tonight where I'm in tears and tell me everything's ok.

Instead I find guys who never want a real relationship.  Who never call, who never seek me out.  I always feel like a burden, even when I'm told I'm not.  I give up.  Even the one guy who gives me the time of day will never go beyond the friends with benefits.  He's not ready for anything like that and to be honest as much as I enjoy being around him and crave him, I know it would never work.

The only thing I'll ever be good for in a mans eye is sex.  Hell I'm lucky I can ever be friends or make a friend with either gender.  Tonight I second guess my decision to break things off with my Ex even though I know that I'm far happier having a friends with benefits then I was ever with him.  Being alone just sucks.  As much as I love my dogs, they just don't fill that void.

Ramblings

You know as a teenager the only thing you wish is to grow up.  To stop being that stupid kid and go out on your own.  I was never like that.  I knew that those times were the best time of my life.  Honestly?  No they were, but they sure were a lot easier times.  I LOVE being an adult, even with the stresses of paying bills and  working, I enjoy it.  I wouldn't go back to my teen years ever... ok maybe just long enough to tell myself to PUSH through school, and do something in my life.

Today was a boring day.  Ok well, not completely boring but boring all the same.  The Guy came over for a visit today.  I was quite shocked, since yesterday I told him "I have tomorrow off if you get bored" and gave him a kiss goodbye as we left a meeting.  I didn't actually expect him to show up.  It was a nice day just cuddlings and chit-chatting.  I hear the same stories over and over again but I enjoy them all the same.  At one point though, we ended up having sex.  I caught a glance of us in my full length mirror and for once what was happening just kind of hit me.  I guess it's something that my mind hasn't been able to wrap around.  There I was with him, with just pure happiness and excitement on my face.  I don't think I've ever seen myself with that look on my face.  It was odd.  Now I can't get that image out of my head (not that I really want to).  Why does my mind play these games on me?  I know that in the end this won't work out.  He's too much of a player for me to ever really trust him.  He'll sleep with other women without a second thought. That's who he is.  I guess I'll enjoy what I have now though.
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On another note, I decided to try out online dating.  It's not like I'm confident enough to go meet a guy out at a bar.  It's been it's own adventure thats for sure. Tips for online dating for men:
1. Don't post photos of you flicking off the camera.  Really it's lame, childish, and tasteless
2. Messages that say "Hey" really are about as pointless as they come.  I'd rather someone message me and say "You have gum on your shoe" which at least I could have fun with over "hey" which will just make me pass over you.
3. Don't post photos of you and your Ex.  That's just self explanatory
4. Speaking of your children at the beginning is GREAT!  Many women don't mind that you have kids.  Telling me you have kids 3 weeks later on a date when you let it slip is BAD.
5. Watch what you use for your username.  When I see something that says Slasher69, I'm not impressed.  Neither is something like "Allnightlover", "hard4u", or anything that says "69" or "420".  Your username is the first thing we see and is your first impression.