A Birthday Wish

It's been a while since I posted.  By the time I'm done with this post, I'll be 27 years old.  That's a scary scary thing.  Why haven't I posted in such a long time?  Well I just got too depressed to write.  Tonight though, for the first time in well, a good 13 years, I actually feel suicidal.  I actually feel like I have nothing to live for and have to write it out before I do something stupid.

So what has happened since the last time I wrote?  Well a lot can change in a year in a half.  Long story short: I took charge of my life, kicked my BF out of the house, and started to date again.  Yeah we all saw it coming but it took a long time for me to get up enough courage to do what needed to be done.  It's still not easy.

So why am I suicidal?  Sounds like I made things better right?  Well, yes and no.  I do not regret leaving my Ex, not in the slightest.  He's a good guy, I mean really he was in many ways.  He had his downfalls, but some woman will be lucky one day if they end up with him. He'll make someone very happy just not me.  I started dating a guy but it's more of a friends with benefits relationship then a true boyfriend relationship which at first I was fine with.  I really didn't want to be tied down since I have been for years yet, I needed someone to keep my mind busy and not feel completely alone since I only have one person I can really call a friend and she doesn't even live near me.  See why can't I take it from a FWB to a BF?  See his Ex still lives with him.  Yup, that's right.  At least he tells me it's his Ex.  It could still very well be his GF in her mind and she has no clue at all that he's cheating on her.  Yup, and I go ahead and get attached to that.  Aren't I smart??? Foolish.  I know what's going on even though I hope I'm over reacting, but I know better.  I know he still goes to sleep in the same bed she does.  I know he still kisses her, cuddles with her, more then likely still has sex with her.  -sighs-

So it could be worse.  At least you aren't really dating the guy, screw him and move on right?  Yeah well, without him I really will be 100% alone in my life besides my dogs.  I'm not ready for that yet or I would likely end myself.  What else could be worse?  I'm 27 years old, I work part time in a good job, but with no hours.  I can't find a full time job making anywhere near what I make where I work, so there's no use making $7.45hr at 40hrs a week with a ton more stress when I make 10.25 an hour at 20hrs a week with little stress.  Then I still have that POS car, which has the following list of troubles: Power steering is going out, exhaust system is bad, tail lights only work when they feel like it, trunk randomly pops open, dome light remains on if I don't pull the breaker out, the body is rusted through, alternator is about to go, battery is about to die... and the list goes on.  Can't get a job to pay for a new car, and now that I'm on my own, I have no money at all for anything like that.

Hmm... Yeah that's pretty rough but it could be worse!  Yeah it could be, but it seems like no matter what I do to better myself it goes to shit.  Get rid on the BF, get in a crappy relationship.  Join a SAR team (something I've wanted all my life), the team is shit and falls apart.  Nothing I do will ever pan out, and I can never catch a break.  I'm to the point where I just want this to all end.  I just want to be out of my misery.  I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.  This life sucks and I don't know how to make it better.  I don't know how to change anything.  Go to school?  I get screwed over on it.  I've applied to at least 100 jobs over the past few months and not one damn call back.  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  I have nothing besides my dogs to really live for.  I can't do anything I want to do, I can't do anything I need to do, and I'm just so tired of trying to only get beaten back down further then I was before.  I just want to catch a break.  I want a door to open and let me walk through it with out having it slam in my face and hear laughter on the other side.  I know I'm lucky for what I have, and I should be happy.  In a way I am happy that I've lucked out with what I have.  Hell I'm lucky I have a job at all, lucky to have a roof over my head, lucky to have my two dogs, lucky to even be alive.  Today though, on my birthday, all I wish for is the break I have been looking for and working for.  Something like a job that I'd enjoy and pay the bills.  That's all I really truly want is something that will allow me to finally take a step in the direction upwards and out of this hole I've been in for years.  I just want something to work out for once.  Is that so much to ask?

So yeah, petty issues I know.  I'm a pretty lucky girl all in all.  Tonight even though all I want to do is die, I'll go to bed here soon, drag myself out of bed tomorrow, and do it all over again.  Even though I wish I could die, and think about all the ways I could do it, I can't.  I don't want to hurt my family in that way.  So tonight I just cry for myself, pity myself, and set here hating myself.  Tomorrow I'll do the same thing, but at least the hurt is inside of me and not hurting anyone else.  I can't be the selfish to inflict that pain on my family and the two people I have that I could consider friends even though, if I never saw those two friends again I doubt I could even be a second thought in their mind...

Anyways, finished this 20mins before my Birthday starts.  So Happy Birthday to me, Regular Girl.  May you get through the day without too many tears and may your heavy heart be lifted somehow and your wish be granted.