You know, I've been ready to move on with my life for years now. I remember back in Feb of 2010 being over all the drama and just wishing things were a bit different where I could move on with my life. What I didn't realize was how ready I was to move on when things started to happen.
I still remember the first time I laid eyes on him. I still remember thinking "Wow, he's really cute" as he came up and introduced himself. I remember having that stupid smile of mine on my face as he spoke to me. I remember wanting to strangle him as he fed my dog sugar even though I knew I didn't want him to, but I just couldn't say no to that smile. I knew that very day that my life would be changing and it wasn't even scary. I knew that he was going to start a chain of events that would change my life for good. Two days later after talking to the guy online, I broke it off with my now Ex.
I wasn't stupid, I didn't expect the relationship to go anywhere. This was however the first guy that I had actually clicked with... well ever I guess now that I'm thinking about it. It's not like I hadn't had so many opportunities over the years to date other guys, fool around, even cheat. Even in the most unhappy relationship I couldn't do it though. I met up with men, even went back to their hotel rooms with a few (close guy friends), but never cheated. Every man I friended respected me and my morals, even if they were unhappy about it. In November, I had the most amazing sex with this man, and it literally changed my world.
I know you are saying "That sounds so cliché" but it's the truth. I never knew that something like that could change someone's view so much. It was the first time I had ever really felt wanted, that it wasn't for the guy, but for me as well. Never had I felt so amazing. I was saddened right after it that our small, relationship kind of crashed down around me and I got sucked up into the Exes game again. I ended that relationship and turned it into a friendship that helped me through so much that was to come.
The relationship with the Ex was back on, and I was manipulated so badly that there was some days where I didn't even want to get up in the mornings. To say I was unhappy is an understatement, but I tried to make it work for the 3rd time but deep down I knew almost instantly that I'd never look at the Ex the same way. I felt empty, alone, hurt... The burden was almost too much for me to handle but thankfully I had one good, close friend that kept me going with his wise words, cute antics, and level headedness. Yes, that close friend was the guy I had broken things off with even though I really didn't want to. Then one day, the flirting came back like old times and confused us both. We enjoyed it, and it was the first time in 5 months that we were happy again. I gave up and completely broke it off with my Ex for good. There was no going back this time. It was over and I was happy.
It was weird the first time the Guy and I met up after starting to flirt again. We sat down and chit chatted for a few hours, watching one of my dogs play in the nearby river. I wanted to curl up in his arms so bad, but I wasn't sure if the flirting was just going to be a game or if it's really how he felt. Standing at our cars, I went to give him a hug goodbye, and at that very second we hugged, the feelings we both had for each other was very much apparent to both of us. It wasn't a game on either of our parts. The feelings were real and wanted to be let out. We stood holding each other a while watching a baseball game (which we both hate) but that game was the best game ever.
That was a good 4 or 5 months ago. Things are still complicated but each time we see each other, the feelings are stronger. Today I didn't want to let him go. His kisses have gone from pecks to actual caring, passionate kisses which get deeper and deeper every time. I am scared to let my guard down, and even have tried to date other men just to keep my guard up. I know that I've already fallen hard for him and it's not a "rebound" thing. I'm scared that maybe I will fall in love with this man who is married to his work but still makes time every day to at least say hello and to check on me. Whatever happens, I know I'll get hurt again but maybe it's worth it. Who knows, maybe I won't.
