One Simple Phrase

It's amazing how when it comes to guys, how just one simple phrase when they are trying to make you feel better can make you feel even worse then you already do.

Yesterday I had a major breakdown.  I had a feeling it was coming, but I expected it just to be a normal depression event.  I didn't expect it to be a 4 hours, sit in one place and cry event.  Yesterday I needed someone like never before and I really realized I don't have anyone in my life at all. No one to pick me up anymore when I need it.  No one to give me a hug at my lowest and tell me the opposite of what tricks my mind is playing.  No one to tell me that things will be alright and I'm not the failure I feel like I am.

I made the mistake of relying on Guy for support.  Yeah that wasn't so smart.

"Is there anything I can do? I'm here and not going anywhere.  So if there is."

I text him a little while later after I felt like I was finally coming out of it, and nothing.  From 5pm until 8:30am, not one single word from him.  Yeah, fuck you too.  Yeah he knew how bad I was off, I wasn't hiding it from him.  The stress from work, home, everything just crashed down and I told him that.  I'm just lucky as fucked up as I am, I am still mentally stable.

This afternoon, I checked my mail and he had emailed me.  Pretty much stating that he's not going anywhere if that's any of the troubles that I'm having.  Which it isn't.  This is a quote from the email:

"I enjoy being friends with you."


Yeah THERE IT IS.  THERE IS THE PROBLEM.  

That's the thing that is irritating me, that weighs on my mind a lot.  "I enjoy being friends with you." Thanks...  Yeah thanks.  Friends is all I'll ever be to him, and I know this deep down.  Nothing will ever change that I guess.  I'm only good enough in him mind as a friend and for a play toy.  Yup, I feel really great about this.  That is sure going to make me feel so much better.  

So here lies my troubles.  Do I just stay friends with benefits (FWB) or do I end this and just go on my lonely way?  It's obvious I can't stay unattached.  He's the first guy who ever has made me feel like I was something "more" to him then just a piece of ass.  Even though we are FWB, he treated me as a friend, as a girlfriend, and as an actual lover instead of just something to be called when ever the mood struck.
  
I'm so TIRED of just being someone's sex toy.  I want someone to come home to that I can talk to, unstress with...  I NEED someone to talk to on days like the past two at work so I don't break down.  I miss coming home from work and sitting on the couch with someone and crying in their arms, telling them about my day, laughing at something stupid that they said.  I miss that.

So what do I do?  I deserve better then this, but in all honestly I won't ever find it.  Guess I need to teach the dogs to talk back to me, because they are the only things that I'll have to come home too.  I'll be the crazy dog lady for the rest of my life.  Alone, miserable, and lonely.