Oh Valentines Day

You know, I really have never really liked this day at all.  Even when I had a Boyfriend it never felt right.  I remember one time my Ex bringing home a dozen roses for me, and be being pissed at him for it.  I was mad because we had no money and here he was spending unnecessary money on something that could have fed us for a few days when a single $3.99 rose would have meant the same thing to me or a $1.99 card, or just a back rub, cuddle, and loving sex.  I really shouldn't have been so hard on him looking back on it.  He tried so hard sometimes to make me happy and it was I who was the one who was setting our relationship up for sabotage. What he never learned was what I really wanted from him which has his love.  Him holding onto me for no reason at all.  Him pulling me to him on the couch and just gazing into my eyes and telling me what I actually meant to him.  No matter how I tried to explain it to him, he couldn't understand that while material things are nice, I didn't need them.  I needed him more.

Today was my second time as an adult being single on Valentines day and yet today had to be one of the best Valentines days I ever had.  Why?  Because it was simple.

I didn't expect Guy to do anything for me today since I'm not his girlfriend and doubt I'll even get that title in his life.  Instead he came by before I went to work which was wonderful.  1 1/2 hours of just cuddling, chit-chatting, and some kissing.  Perfect for me, just what I wanted... what I needed.  By the time I had to be at work, I felt like I was the happiest women in the world, I wasn't but it just felt great.  Here's a guy who while has his MAJOR faults (which I need to always keep in mind), took time before he started his day to come over and hold me.  That thrilled me.  I went to work with a huge smile on my face.

Guy surprised the hell out of me while I was at work.  I honestly think he forgot it was Valentines Day.  Out of no where, a bag of chocolates and a card appeared on my desk.  He quickly dropped it off with a smile on his face since I was helping a customer and I know I blushed like crazy.  That single move was the sweetest thing I could have ever wanted.  I'm a private person who doesn't like standing out so flowers would have been too much since everyone would have to see them and would have drawn attention to me.  Those candies and card were just enough for me to know that he cared.  That he took time out of his day to stop and grab those for me and not make me uncomfortable for the day.  Yeah, I know he didn't think that out at all, but it was perfect.

So today was pretty darn good of a day.  I"m going to bed with a smile on my face and good thoughts on my mind.

They Say We Women Are Hard To Understand

I know we really are hard to understand but I think guys are just as difficult at times.  I know a lot of it has to to with the differences between men and women but dang they are hard to understand.

Tonight Guy decided to stop over, really for no reason.  I think it's come down to him finding any excuse to stop over which honestly I don't mind.  I could tell right away he was in a bad mood, not toward me but in general.  Took him a while to relax but once he did it was a nice afternoon of chitchatting.  Our small talk has really come a long ways from where neither of us could really open up and everything was awkward. He was only suppose to me over for a little bit while he was waiting to go hang out with some friends of his.  Well as soon as he got a phone call saying his friends were running behind, one thing lead to another and well we ended in the bedroom again.  He never expected it which made it even better then normal.  This was all my decision and it was a great one.  As he left he gave me just the deepest hug and kiss, it was mind blowing.  For a guy who said he didn't want to be attached and so forth, things have really started to grow.

Tonight we were texting as always and something he said blew me away:
Me: I'm glad things have ended up the way they have
Him: Me too and I have high hopes for the future, which is rare for me

I'm trying not to think too much into that but wow.  I'm excited to see that he wants a future with me, what type of future who knows but he see's something with me in it.  I know what I feel for him isn't something that is to be ignored.  I know it's something that could grow into more, a lot more.  I'm still holding back no worries, I'm not ready to let that wall down.  It's starting to waver though and I feel it.  Just gotta hold off until he makes it clear to me on his home life.  The only thing that is holding everything back is his ex/girlfriend/whatever.  I know it took me forever to remove my Ex out of my life, but I don't think I can hold out for another year while he gets his act together.  Damn why can't things be easy?  Why can't I find a guy that isn't attached? -sighs-

Tissues and more Tissues

I don't know what's wrong with me tonight.  Why did I allow myself to get attached to an unreachable guy?  I mean why did I do this to myself?  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  I really should end this but I would really be alone.  He's the only reason why I leave the house, why I go out at all.  I don't like going out alone at all.  I don't even go to the store unless I have to.  I wish I was different.  I wish I was more confident, more sure of myself, happier, in a better mental place.  Instead I'm a loser who hides behind her computer screen hoping that something changes.  Never taking a chance.  Perhaps one day things will click and I'll step out of this shell and become the person I always wish I was.  Until then I guess I'll just hide behind my wall in the shadows and watch my world go by without me in it.

One Simple Phrase

It's amazing how when it comes to guys, how just one simple phrase when they are trying to make you feel better can make you feel even worse then you already do.

Yesterday I had a major breakdown.  I had a feeling it was coming, but I expected it just to be a normal depression event.  I didn't expect it to be a 4 hours, sit in one place and cry event.  Yesterday I needed someone like never before and I really realized I don't have anyone in my life at all. No one to pick me up anymore when I need it.  No one to give me a hug at my lowest and tell me the opposite of what tricks my mind is playing.  No one to tell me that things will be alright and I'm not the failure I feel like I am.

I made the mistake of relying on Guy for support.  Yeah that wasn't so smart.

"Is there anything I can do? I'm here and not going anywhere.  So if there is."

I text him a little while later after I felt like I was finally coming out of it, and nothing.  From 5pm until 8:30am, not one single word from him.  Yeah, fuck you too.  Yeah he knew how bad I was off, I wasn't hiding it from him.  The stress from work, home, everything just crashed down and I told him that.  I'm just lucky as fucked up as I am, I am still mentally stable.

This afternoon, I checked my mail and he had emailed me.  Pretty much stating that he's not going anywhere if that's any of the troubles that I'm having.  Which it isn't.  This is a quote from the email:

"I enjoy being friends with you."


Yeah THERE IT IS.  THERE IS THE PROBLEM.  

That's the thing that is irritating me, that weighs on my mind a lot.  "I enjoy being friends with you." Thanks...  Yeah thanks.  Friends is all I'll ever be to him, and I know this deep down.  Nothing will ever change that I guess.  I'm only good enough in him mind as a friend and for a play toy.  Yup, I feel really great about this.  That is sure going to make me feel so much better.  

So here lies my troubles.  Do I just stay friends with benefits (FWB) or do I end this and just go on my lonely way?  It's obvious I can't stay unattached.  He's the first guy who ever has made me feel like I was something "more" to him then just a piece of ass.  Even though we are FWB, he treated me as a friend, as a girlfriend, and as an actual lover instead of just something to be called when ever the mood struck.
  
I'm so TIRED of just being someone's sex toy.  I want someone to come home to that I can talk to, unstress with...  I NEED someone to talk to on days like the past two at work so I don't break down.  I miss coming home from work and sitting on the couch with someone and crying in their arms, telling them about my day, laughing at something stupid that they said.  I miss that.

So what do I do?  I deserve better then this, but in all honestly I won't ever find it.  Guess I need to teach the dogs to talk back to me, because they are the only things that I'll have to come home too.  I'll be the crazy dog lady for the rest of my life.  Alone, miserable, and lonely.  

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

IT'S NOT WORKING!!!!!!

Why must all the actually good guys that I get along with, that I work well with, that actually make me happy have such things like Guy does?  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!!  Why can't he just be completely unattached?  Why must his Ex live with him?  Ok, yeah I know this is more then likely an affair like relationship but damn it!  WHY WHY WHY?!?!

What leads me to this post you ask?  Well last night he actually crashed at my place.  Yup stayed the whole night.  You know since I left the Ex, I've only had one guy stay over and it was a disaster.  Who wakes up another person just because you are awake when you know they have to work in the morning?  Guy?  He was perfect.  We've spent the night together before, but it was very early in the relationship and was in a tent for 4 days.  Last night was a "real" experience.  Even though I felt him get out of bed a few times, He always tried to be quiet, careful, even made sure I was covered each time when he got up.  It was the sweetest thing.  All night he had a hand on me in some way, even if I laid on the other side of the bed, he would cuddle up close enough to touch me.  I could feel him all night long, it was wonderful.  I am a very clingy girl, I'll admit to that.  I want nothing more then to be held all the time, cuddled with, touched, I don't care if I'm just standing in a store, I LOVE to have an arm wrapped around me randomly and a kiss on the cheek.  It goes a LONG way to making me happy.  I'm also independent, so finding that threshold is hard, but Guy has it nailed.  

I'm really going to be completely heart broken when/if things fall apart.  Sex is amazing, he is amazing, and he makes me happy and I can tell I make him happy (otherwise he wouldn't come over randomly just to hang out, no sex expected).  This just stinks.  -sighs- 

Second Guessing

Today I am second guessing myself.  See I've NEVER been good at being alone.  I remember growing up and watching all my friends starting to date and being very jealous of them.  I've never been good at it.  Guys that I've liked have all felt I was too good for them, that I was out of their league.  I'm not though.  I'm not a perfect woman, I'm actually far from it.  All I want is someone that will go hiking with me, pick me up off the ground randomly, maybe push me up against a tree and kiss me like I'm the only woman for them.  To walk up behind me as I sit somewhere and give me a hug.  To hold me on nights like tonight where I'm in tears and tell me everything's ok.

Instead I find guys who never want a real relationship.  Who never call, who never seek me out.  I always feel like a burden, even when I'm told I'm not.  I give up.  Even the one guy who gives me the time of day will never go beyond the friends with benefits.  He's not ready for anything like that and to be honest as much as I enjoy being around him and crave him, I know it would never work.

The only thing I'll ever be good for in a mans eye is sex.  Hell I'm lucky I can ever be friends or make a friend with either gender.  Tonight I second guess my decision to break things off with my Ex even though I know that I'm far happier having a friends with benefits then I was ever with him.  Being alone just sucks.  As much as I love my dogs, they just don't fill that void.

Ramblings

You know as a teenager the only thing you wish is to grow up.  To stop being that stupid kid and go out on your own.  I was never like that.  I knew that those times were the best time of my life.  Honestly?  No they were, but they sure were a lot easier times.  I LOVE being an adult, even with the stresses of paying bills and  working, I enjoy it.  I wouldn't go back to my teen years ever... ok maybe just long enough to tell myself to PUSH through school, and do something in my life.

Today was a boring day.  Ok well, not completely boring but boring all the same.  The Guy came over for a visit today.  I was quite shocked, since yesterday I told him "I have tomorrow off if you get bored" and gave him a kiss goodbye as we left a meeting.  I didn't actually expect him to show up.  It was a nice day just cuddlings and chit-chatting.  I hear the same stories over and over again but I enjoy them all the same.  At one point though, we ended up having sex.  I caught a glance of us in my full length mirror and for once what was happening just kind of hit me.  I guess it's something that my mind hasn't been able to wrap around.  There I was with him, with just pure happiness and excitement on my face.  I don't think I've ever seen myself with that look on my face.  It was odd.  Now I can't get that image out of my head (not that I really want to).  Why does my mind play these games on me?  I know that in the end this won't work out.  He's too much of a player for me to ever really trust him.  He'll sleep with other women without a second thought. That's who he is.  I guess I'll enjoy what I have now though.
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On another note, I decided to try out online dating.  It's not like I'm confident enough to go meet a guy out at a bar.  It's been it's own adventure thats for sure. Tips for online dating for men:
1. Don't post photos of you flicking off the camera.  Really it's lame, childish, and tasteless
2. Messages that say "Hey" really are about as pointless as they come.  I'd rather someone message me and say "You have gum on your shoe" which at least I could have fun with over "hey" which will just make me pass over you.
3. Don't post photos of you and your Ex.  That's just self explanatory
4. Speaking of your children at the beginning is GREAT!  Many women don't mind that you have kids.  Telling me you have kids 3 weeks later on a date when you let it slip is BAD.
5. Watch what you use for your username.  When I see something that says Slasher69, I'm not impressed.  Neither is something like "Allnightlover", "hard4u", or anything that says "69" or "420".  Your username is the first thing we see and is your first impression.