I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

IT'S NOT WORKING!!!!!!

Why must all the actually good guys that I get along with, that I work well with, that actually make me happy have such things like Guy does?  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!!  Why can't he just be completely unattached?  Why must his Ex live with him?  Ok, yeah I know this is more then likely an affair like relationship but damn it!  WHY WHY WHY?!?!

What leads me to this post you ask?  Well last night he actually crashed at my place.  Yup stayed the whole night.  You know since I left the Ex, I've only had one guy stay over and it was a disaster.  Who wakes up another person just because you are awake when you know they have to work in the morning?  Guy?  He was perfect.  We've spent the night together before, but it was very early in the relationship and was in a tent for 4 days.  Last night was a "real" experience.  Even though I felt him get out of bed a few times, He always tried to be quiet, careful, even made sure I was covered each time when he got up.  It was the sweetest thing.  All night he had a hand on me in some way, even if I laid on the other side of the bed, he would cuddle up close enough to touch me.  I could feel him all night long, it was wonderful.  I am a very clingy girl, I'll admit to that.  I want nothing more then to be held all the time, cuddled with, touched, I don't care if I'm just standing in a store, I LOVE to have an arm wrapped around me randomly and a kiss on the cheek.  It goes a LONG way to making me happy.  I'm also independent, so finding that threshold is hard, but Guy has it nailed.  

I'm really going to be completely heart broken when/if things fall apart.  Sex is amazing, he is amazing, and he makes me happy and I can tell I make him happy (otherwise he wouldn't come over randomly just to hang out, no sex expected).  This just stinks.  -sighs- 

Second Guessing

Today I am second guessing myself.  See I've NEVER been good at being alone.  I remember growing up and watching all my friends starting to date and being very jealous of them.  I've never been good at it.  Guys that I've liked have all felt I was too good for them, that I was out of their league.  I'm not though.  I'm not a perfect woman, I'm actually far from it.  All I want is someone that will go hiking with me, pick me up off the ground randomly, maybe push me up against a tree and kiss me like I'm the only woman for them.  To walk up behind me as I sit somewhere and give me a hug.  To hold me on nights like tonight where I'm in tears and tell me everything's ok.

Instead I find guys who never want a real relationship.  Who never call, who never seek me out.  I always feel like a burden, even when I'm told I'm not.  I give up.  Even the one guy who gives me the time of day will never go beyond the friends with benefits.  He's not ready for anything like that and to be honest as much as I enjoy being around him and crave him, I know it would never work.

The only thing I'll ever be good for in a mans eye is sex.  Hell I'm lucky I can ever be friends or make a friend with either gender.  Tonight I second guess my decision to break things off with my Ex even though I know that I'm far happier having a friends with benefits then I was ever with him.  Being alone just sucks.  As much as I love my dogs, they just don't fill that void.

Ramblings

You know as a teenager the only thing you wish is to grow up.  To stop being that stupid kid and go out on your own.  I was never like that.  I knew that those times were the best time of my life.  Honestly?  No they were, but they sure were a lot easier times.  I LOVE being an adult, even with the stresses of paying bills and  working, I enjoy it.  I wouldn't go back to my teen years ever... ok maybe just long enough to tell myself to PUSH through school, and do something in my life.

Today was a boring day.  Ok well, not completely boring but boring all the same.  The Guy came over for a visit today.  I was quite shocked, since yesterday I told him "I have tomorrow off if you get bored" and gave him a kiss goodbye as we left a meeting.  I didn't actually expect him to show up.  It was a nice day just cuddlings and chit-chatting.  I hear the same stories over and over again but I enjoy them all the same.  At one point though, we ended up having sex.  I caught a glance of us in my full length mirror and for once what was happening just kind of hit me.  I guess it's something that my mind hasn't been able to wrap around.  There I was with him, with just pure happiness and excitement on my face.  I don't think I've ever seen myself with that look on my face.  It was odd.  Now I can't get that image out of my head (not that I really want to).  Why does my mind play these games on me?  I know that in the end this won't work out.  He's too much of a player for me to ever really trust him.  He'll sleep with other women without a second thought. That's who he is.  I guess I'll enjoy what I have now though.
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On another note, I decided to try out online dating.  It's not like I'm confident enough to go meet a guy out at a bar.  It's been it's own adventure thats for sure. Tips for online dating for men:
1. Don't post photos of you flicking off the camera.  Really it's lame, childish, and tasteless
2. Messages that say "Hey" really are about as pointless as they come.  I'd rather someone message me and say "You have gum on your shoe" which at least I could have fun with over "hey" which will just make me pass over you.
3. Don't post photos of you and your Ex.  That's just self explanatory
4. Speaking of your children at the beginning is GREAT!  Many women don't mind that you have kids.  Telling me you have kids 3 weeks later on a date when you let it slip is BAD.
5. Watch what you use for your username.  When I see something that says Slasher69, I'm not impressed.  Neither is something like "Allnightlover", "hard4u", or anything that says "69" or "420".  Your username is the first thing we see and is your first impression.

Surprising Myself

You know, I've been ready to move on with my life for years now.  I remember back in Feb of 2010 being over all the drama and just wishing things were a bit different where I could move on with my life.  What I didn't realize was how ready I was to move on when things started to happen.

I still remember the first time I laid eyes on him.  I still remember thinking "Wow, he's really cute" as he came up and introduced himself.  I remember having that stupid smile of mine on my face as he spoke to me.  I remember wanting to strangle him as he fed my dog sugar even though I knew I didn't want him to, but I just couldn't say no to that smile.  I knew that very day that my life would be changing and it wasn't even scary.  I knew that he was going to start a chain of events that would change my life for good.  Two days later after talking to the guy online, I broke it off with my now Ex.  

I wasn't stupid, I didn't expect the relationship to go anywhere.   This was however the first guy that I had actually clicked with... well ever I guess now that I'm thinking about it.  It's not like I hadn't had so many opportunities over the years to date other guys, fool around, even cheat.  Even in the most unhappy relationship I couldn't do it though.  I met up with men, even went back to their hotel rooms with a few (close guy friends), but never cheated.  Every man I friended respected me and my morals, even if they were unhappy about it.  In November, I had the most amazing sex with this man, and it literally changed my world.  

I know you are saying "That sounds so cliché" but it's the truth.  I never knew that something like that could change someone's view so much.  It was the first time I had ever really felt wanted, that it wasn't for the guy, but for me as well.  Never had I felt so amazing.  I was saddened right after it that our small, relationship kind of crashed down around me and I got sucked up into the Exes game again.  I ended that relationship and turned it into a friendship that helped me through so much that was to come.  

The relationship with the Ex was back on, and I was manipulated so badly that there was some days where I didn't even want to get up in the mornings.  To say I was unhappy is an understatement, but I tried to make it work for the 3rd time but deep down I knew almost instantly that I'd never look at the Ex the same way.  I felt empty, alone, hurt...  The burden was almost too much for me to handle but thankfully I had one good, close friend that kept me going with his wise words, cute antics, and level headedness.  Yes, that close friend was the guy I had broken things off with even though I really didn't want to.  Then one day, the flirting came back like old times and confused us both.  We enjoyed it, and it was the first time in 5 months that we were happy again.  I gave up and completely broke it off with my Ex for good.  There was no going back this time.  It was over and I was happy.

It was weird the first time the Guy and I met up after starting to flirt again.  We sat down and chit chatted for a few hours, watching one of my dogs play in the nearby river.  I wanted to curl up in his arms so bad, but I wasn't sure if the flirting was just going to be a game or if it's really how he felt.  Standing at our cars, I went to give him a hug goodbye, and at that very second we hugged, the feelings we both had for each other was very much apparent to both of us.  It wasn't a game on either of our parts.  The feelings were real and wanted to be let out.  We stood holding each other a while watching a baseball game (which we both hate) but that game was the best game ever.

That was a good 4 or 5 months ago.  Things are still complicated but each time we see each other, the feelings are stronger.  Today I didn't want to let him go.  His kisses have gone from pecks to actual caring, passionate kisses which get deeper and deeper every time.  I am scared to let my guard down, and even have tried to date other men just to keep my guard up.  I know that I've already fallen hard for him and it's not a "rebound" thing.  I'm scared that maybe I will fall in love with this man who is married to his work but still makes time every day to at least say hello and to check on me.  Whatever happens, I know I'll get hurt again but maybe it's worth it.  Who knows, maybe I won't.  

A Birthday Wish

It's been a while since I posted.  By the time I'm done with this post, I'll be 27 years old.  That's a scary scary thing.  Why haven't I posted in such a long time?  Well I just got too depressed to write.  Tonight though, for the first time in well, a good 13 years, I actually feel suicidal.  I actually feel like I have nothing to live for and have to write it out before I do something stupid.

So what has happened since the last time I wrote?  Well a lot can change in a year in a half.  Long story short: I took charge of my life, kicked my BF out of the house, and started to date again.  Yeah we all saw it coming but it took a long time for me to get up enough courage to do what needed to be done.  It's still not easy.

So why am I suicidal?  Sounds like I made things better right?  Well, yes and no.  I do not regret leaving my Ex, not in the slightest.  He's a good guy, I mean really he was in many ways.  He had his downfalls, but some woman will be lucky one day if they end up with him. He'll make someone very happy just not me.  I started dating a guy but it's more of a friends with benefits relationship then a true boyfriend relationship which at first I was fine with.  I really didn't want to be tied down since I have been for years yet, I needed someone to keep my mind busy and not feel completely alone since I only have one person I can really call a friend and she doesn't even live near me.  See why can't I take it from a FWB to a BF?  See his Ex still lives with him.  Yup, that's right.  At least he tells me it's his Ex.  It could still very well be his GF in her mind and she has no clue at all that he's cheating on her.  Yup, and I go ahead and get attached to that.  Aren't I smart??? Foolish.  I know what's going on even though I hope I'm over reacting, but I know better.  I know he still goes to sleep in the same bed she does.  I know he still kisses her, cuddles with her, more then likely still has sex with her.  -sighs-

So it could be worse.  At least you aren't really dating the guy, screw him and move on right?  Yeah well, without him I really will be 100% alone in my life besides my dogs.  I'm not ready for that yet or I would likely end myself.  What else could be worse?  I'm 27 years old, I work part time in a good job, but with no hours.  I can't find a full time job making anywhere near what I make where I work, so there's no use making $7.45hr at 40hrs a week with a ton more stress when I make 10.25 an hour at 20hrs a week with little stress.  Then I still have that POS car, which has the following list of troubles: Power steering is going out, exhaust system is bad, tail lights only work when they feel like it, trunk randomly pops open, dome light remains on if I don't pull the breaker out, the body is rusted through, alternator is about to go, battery is about to die... and the list goes on.  Can't get a job to pay for a new car, and now that I'm on my own, I have no money at all for anything like that.

Hmm... Yeah that's pretty rough but it could be worse!  Yeah it could be, but it seems like no matter what I do to better myself it goes to shit.  Get rid on the BF, get in a crappy relationship.  Join a SAR team (something I've wanted all my life), the team is shit and falls apart.  Nothing I do will ever pan out, and I can never catch a break.  I'm to the point where I just want this to all end.  I just want to be out of my misery.  I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.  This life sucks and I don't know how to make it better.  I don't know how to change anything.  Go to school?  I get screwed over on it.  I've applied to at least 100 jobs over the past few months and not one damn call back.  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  I have nothing besides my dogs to really live for.  I can't do anything I want to do, I can't do anything I need to do, and I'm just so tired of trying to only get beaten back down further then I was before.  I just want to catch a break.  I want a door to open and let me walk through it with out having it slam in my face and hear laughter on the other side.  I know I'm lucky for what I have, and I should be happy.  In a way I am happy that I've lucked out with what I have.  Hell I'm lucky I have a job at all, lucky to have a roof over my head, lucky to have my two dogs, lucky to even be alive.  Today though, on my birthday, all I wish for is the break I have been looking for and working for.  Something like a job that I'd enjoy and pay the bills.  That's all I really truly want is something that will allow me to finally take a step in the direction upwards and out of this hole I've been in for years.  I just want something to work out for once.  Is that so much to ask?

So yeah, petty issues I know.  I'm a pretty lucky girl all in all.  Tonight even though all I want to do is die, I'll go to bed here soon, drag myself out of bed tomorrow, and do it all over again.  Even though I wish I could die, and think about all the ways I could do it, I can't.  I don't want to hurt my family in that way.  So tonight I just cry for myself, pity myself, and set here hating myself.  Tomorrow I'll do the same thing, but at least the hurt is inside of me and not hurting anyone else.  I can't be the selfish to inflict that pain on my family and the two people I have that I could consider friends even though, if I never saw those two friends again I doubt I could even be a second thought in their mind...

Anyways, finished this 20mins before my Birthday starts.  So Happy Birthday to me, Regular Girl.  May you get through the day without too many tears and may your heavy heart be lifted somehow and your wish be granted.

Sometimes I wonder about people...

I can't say I've ever been one to hold a grudge. Heck I forgave my boyfriend after even cheating on me. I've had bosses who tried to pin things on me to get me fired, coworkers who have pulled stunts who got me in some serious trouble, and people who have bad mouthed me to the point where it honestly hurt. Today if any of those people needed help, I'd still stand up and help them out if I could. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm a bigger person then most, maybe I'm TOO forgiving.. Who knows.

I say this because of Facebook. I have been on the internet since I was 12 years old. Way back when EVERYONE used AOL 3.1 (Remember having to wait to connect to the server using 56K modems????). Facebook has become a place to connect with old friends, old enemies, family that you may or may not want to find, and coworkers as well. It can be an amazing place. I use it to keep in touch with a lot of my online friends across the country that if I didn't have them on Facebook, I may never hear from them again.

What I don't understand is calling out people on Facebook because you have an issue with them. Calling someone a "Stupid C***" and a "Raging Whore" on Facebook is not only point less "OH I called you a name online!!! Go me!" but what's actually happens to a person to bring this type of behavior out of a person? I can understand setting a record straight on Facebook with your friends like "I didn't have sexual relations with that woman!" But I don't see the point to actually trash talk another person on such a public place or even on your private wall. How can you be so disrespectful to yourself and to that person, no matter what they did.

Like this thing with Osama being killed. Don't get me wrong, I can say I'm happy be is gone from this earth but people celebrating in the streets, posting statuses about his death in a demising way. Even our military men and women had enough respect for the guy to give him a OK funeral that would be ok with his religion. The man who they have been hunting for the past 10 years and they still treated him with some respect, and thats far more respect then we give to each other online.

These are thoughts that go through my head as the days go pass. As the sayings say "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." and "Treat others the way you want to be treated". Maybe if more people lived these rules life would be just a tad simpler for the rest of us.

Depression is a B****

It's been a bit since I last posted. If you don't see a post for a while, it's a good thing. It means that I've been handling my depression and life well and haven't needed to vent. Thank you to the person who committed. It's good to know there are others out there reading things. I never thought someone would read this blog, in fact I have never even told anyone about this blog, so to have someone read this and post is amazing to me. Thanks!

I've tried really hard to kick people from my life that have been causing drama and other such hardships in my life. I recently started playing an MMORPG again (not WOW for those of you who know what that is) and I've met up with some cool people though it. Tonight though, there was/is a couple talking about how wonderful their marriage is and how they keep things spicy in their sex life and other such things. I really want to cry. They are talking about how they have sex once a day even with kids, how he goes out of his way to surprise her with random acts of kindness and help, and other things I dream of. Here I am in a relationship where Sex, well whats that? That 3 mins ever 2 to 4 months where my boyfriends kisses me and then crawls out of bed and goes back to ignoring me?

My boyfriend brought me something for Easter... a flipping $40 flower... Yeah FORTY DOLLARS for a freaking flower! This comming from the man who doesn't pay for any bills, doesn't do jack for me in any way shape or form, spends flipping FORTY DOLLARS ON A FLOWER! Good lord! Thats a week of food or the water bill! I would love to tell him to take it back (I kind of did, but he took it as a joke) but I know it would upset him. WHY must I be such a kind person? Why must I not want to hurt people??? I spend so much time trying to please others then pleasing myself that I get depressed like I am today.


I did start dog classes again which has been a relief for me. Just an hour a week to get away and do something for me that I like to do. I miss my weekends off and being at dog shows. I miss it dearly. I can't wait to get back to it. Maybe when I get a puppy I'll be able to get back to my normal life. Maybe when I find a full time job where I don't have to work 2 jobs and have no days off...

I rally hate my life. Why can't I just get a flipping break and have a door open. I really wonder some days what I did in a past life to be put through what I'm going through. I treat others the way I want to be treated and all I get is hell...

As the song goes "But tomorrow's another day and I'm thirsty anyways. So bring on the rain..."