Tissues and more Tissues

I don't know what's wrong with me tonight.  Why did I allow myself to get attached to an unreachable guy?  I mean why did I do this to myself?  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  I really should end this but I would really be alone.  He's the only reason why I leave the house, why I go out at all.  I don't like going out alone at all.  I don't even go to the store unless I have to.  I wish I was different.  I wish I was more confident, more sure of myself, happier, in a better mental place.  Instead I'm a loser who hides behind her computer screen hoping that something changes.  Never taking a chance.  Perhaps one day things will click and I'll step out of this shell and become the person I always wish I was.  Until then I guess I'll just hide behind my wall in the shadows and watch my world go by without me in it.

One Simple Phrase

It's amazing how when it comes to guys, how just one simple phrase when they are trying to make you feel better can make you feel even worse then you already do.

Yesterday I had a major breakdown.  I had a feeling it was coming, but I expected it just to be a normal depression event.  I didn't expect it to be a 4 hours, sit in one place and cry event.  Yesterday I needed someone like never before and I really realized I don't have anyone in my life at all. No one to pick me up anymore when I need it.  No one to give me a hug at my lowest and tell me the opposite of what tricks my mind is playing.  No one to tell me that things will be alright and I'm not the failure I feel like I am.

I made the mistake of relying on Guy for support.  Yeah that wasn't so smart.

"Is there anything I can do? I'm here and not going anywhere.  So if there is."

I text him a little while later after I felt like I was finally coming out of it, and nothing.  From 5pm until 8:30am, not one single word from him.  Yeah, fuck you too.  Yeah he knew how bad I was off, I wasn't hiding it from him.  The stress from work, home, everything just crashed down and I told him that.  I'm just lucky as fucked up as I am, I am still mentally stable.

This afternoon, I checked my mail and he had emailed me.  Pretty much stating that he's not going anywhere if that's any of the troubles that I'm having.  Which it isn't.  This is a quote from the email:

"I enjoy being friends with you."


Yeah THERE IT IS.  THERE IS THE PROBLEM.  

That's the thing that is irritating me, that weighs on my mind a lot.  "I enjoy being friends with you." Thanks...  Yeah thanks.  Friends is all I'll ever be to him, and I know this deep down.  Nothing will ever change that I guess.  I'm only good enough in him mind as a friend and for a play toy.  Yup, I feel really great about this.  That is sure going to make me feel so much better.  

So here lies my troubles.  Do I just stay friends with benefits (FWB) or do I end this and just go on my lonely way?  It's obvious I can't stay unattached.  He's the first guy who ever has made me feel like I was something "more" to him then just a piece of ass.  Even though we are FWB, he treated me as a friend, as a girlfriend, and as an actual lover instead of just something to be called when ever the mood struck.
  
I'm so TIRED of just being someone's sex toy.  I want someone to come home to that I can talk to, unstress with...  I NEED someone to talk to on days like the past two at work so I don't break down.  I miss coming home from work and sitting on the couch with someone and crying in their arms, telling them about my day, laughing at something stupid that they said.  I miss that.

So what do I do?  I deserve better then this, but in all honestly I won't ever find it.  Guess I need to teach the dogs to talk back to me, because they are the only things that I'll have to come home too.  I'll be the crazy dog lady for the rest of my life.  Alone, miserable, and lonely.  

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

IT'S NOT WORKING!!!!!!

Why must all the actually good guys that I get along with, that I work well with, that actually make me happy have such things like Guy does?  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!!  Why can't he just be completely unattached?  Why must his Ex live with him?  Ok, yeah I know this is more then likely an affair like relationship but damn it!  WHY WHY WHY?!?!

What leads me to this post you ask?  Well last night he actually crashed at my place.  Yup stayed the whole night.  You know since I left the Ex, I've only had one guy stay over and it was a disaster.  Who wakes up another person just because you are awake when you know they have to work in the morning?  Guy?  He was perfect.  We've spent the night together before, but it was very early in the relationship and was in a tent for 4 days.  Last night was a "real" experience.  Even though I felt him get out of bed a few times, He always tried to be quiet, careful, even made sure I was covered each time when he got up.  It was the sweetest thing.  All night he had a hand on me in some way, even if I laid on the other side of the bed, he would cuddle up close enough to touch me.  I could feel him all night long, it was wonderful.  I am a very clingy girl, I'll admit to that.  I want nothing more then to be held all the time, cuddled with, touched, I don't care if I'm just standing in a store, I LOVE to have an arm wrapped around me randomly and a kiss on the cheek.  It goes a LONG way to making me happy.  I'm also independent, so finding that threshold is hard, but Guy has it nailed.  

I'm really going to be completely heart broken when/if things fall apart.  Sex is amazing, he is amazing, and he makes me happy and I can tell I make him happy (otherwise he wouldn't come over randomly just to hang out, no sex expected).  This just stinks.  -sighs- 

Second Guessing

Today I am second guessing myself.  See I've NEVER been good at being alone.  I remember growing up and watching all my friends starting to date and being very jealous of them.  I've never been good at it.  Guys that I've liked have all felt I was too good for them, that I was out of their league.  I'm not though.  I'm not a perfect woman, I'm actually far from it.  All I want is someone that will go hiking with me, pick me up off the ground randomly, maybe push me up against a tree and kiss me like I'm the only woman for them.  To walk up behind me as I sit somewhere and give me a hug.  To hold me on nights like tonight where I'm in tears and tell me everything's ok.

Instead I find guys who never want a real relationship.  Who never call, who never seek me out.  I always feel like a burden, even when I'm told I'm not.  I give up.  Even the one guy who gives me the time of day will never go beyond the friends with benefits.  He's not ready for anything like that and to be honest as much as I enjoy being around him and crave him, I know it would never work.

The only thing I'll ever be good for in a mans eye is sex.  Hell I'm lucky I can ever be friends or make a friend with either gender.  Tonight I second guess my decision to break things off with my Ex even though I know that I'm far happier having a friends with benefits then I was ever with him.  Being alone just sucks.  As much as I love my dogs, they just don't fill that void.

Ramblings

You know as a teenager the only thing you wish is to grow up.  To stop being that stupid kid and go out on your own.  I was never like that.  I knew that those times were the best time of my life.  Honestly?  No they were, but they sure were a lot easier times.  I LOVE being an adult, even with the stresses of paying bills and  working, I enjoy it.  I wouldn't go back to my teen years ever... ok maybe just long enough to tell myself to PUSH through school, and do something in my life.

Today was a boring day.  Ok well, not completely boring but boring all the same.  The Guy came over for a visit today.  I was quite shocked, since yesterday I told him "I have tomorrow off if you get bored" and gave him a kiss goodbye as we left a meeting.  I didn't actually expect him to show up.  It was a nice day just cuddlings and chit-chatting.  I hear the same stories over and over again but I enjoy them all the same.  At one point though, we ended up having sex.  I caught a glance of us in my full length mirror and for once what was happening just kind of hit me.  I guess it's something that my mind hasn't been able to wrap around.  There I was with him, with just pure happiness and excitement on my face.  I don't think I've ever seen myself with that look on my face.  It was odd.  Now I can't get that image out of my head (not that I really want to).  Why does my mind play these games on me?  I know that in the end this won't work out.  He's too much of a player for me to ever really trust him.  He'll sleep with other women without a second thought. That's who he is.  I guess I'll enjoy what I have now though.
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On another note, I decided to try out online dating.  It's not like I'm confident enough to go meet a guy out at a bar.  It's been it's own adventure thats for sure. Tips for online dating for men:
1. Don't post photos of you flicking off the camera.  Really it's lame, childish, and tasteless
2. Messages that say "Hey" really are about as pointless as they come.  I'd rather someone message me and say "You have gum on your shoe" which at least I could have fun with over "hey" which will just make me pass over you.
3. Don't post photos of you and your Ex.  That's just self explanatory
4. Speaking of your children at the beginning is GREAT!  Many women don't mind that you have kids.  Telling me you have kids 3 weeks later on a date when you let it slip is BAD.
5. Watch what you use for your username.  When I see something that says Slasher69, I'm not impressed.  Neither is something like "Allnightlover", "hard4u", or anything that says "69" or "420".  Your username is the first thing we see and is your first impression.

Surprising Myself

You know, I've been ready to move on with my life for years now.  I remember back in Feb of 2010 being over all the drama and just wishing things were a bit different where I could move on with my life.  What I didn't realize was how ready I was to move on when things started to happen.

I still remember the first time I laid eyes on him.  I still remember thinking "Wow, he's really cute" as he came up and introduced himself.  I remember having that stupid smile of mine on my face as he spoke to me.  I remember wanting to strangle him as he fed my dog sugar even though I knew I didn't want him to, but I just couldn't say no to that smile.  I knew that very day that my life would be changing and it wasn't even scary.  I knew that he was going to start a chain of events that would change my life for good.  Two days later after talking to the guy online, I broke it off with my now Ex.  

I wasn't stupid, I didn't expect the relationship to go anywhere.   This was however the first guy that I had actually clicked with... well ever I guess now that I'm thinking about it.  It's not like I hadn't had so many opportunities over the years to date other guys, fool around, even cheat.  Even in the most unhappy relationship I couldn't do it though.  I met up with men, even went back to their hotel rooms with a few (close guy friends), but never cheated.  Every man I friended respected me and my morals, even if they were unhappy about it.  In November, I had the most amazing sex with this man, and it literally changed my world.  

I know you are saying "That sounds so cliché" but it's the truth.  I never knew that something like that could change someone's view so much.  It was the first time I had ever really felt wanted, that it wasn't for the guy, but for me as well.  Never had I felt so amazing.  I was saddened right after it that our small, relationship kind of crashed down around me and I got sucked up into the Exes game again.  I ended that relationship and turned it into a friendship that helped me through so much that was to come.  

The relationship with the Ex was back on, and I was manipulated so badly that there was some days where I didn't even want to get up in the mornings.  To say I was unhappy is an understatement, but I tried to make it work for the 3rd time but deep down I knew almost instantly that I'd never look at the Ex the same way.  I felt empty, alone, hurt...  The burden was almost too much for me to handle but thankfully I had one good, close friend that kept me going with his wise words, cute antics, and level headedness.  Yes, that close friend was the guy I had broken things off with even though I really didn't want to.  Then one day, the flirting came back like old times and confused us both.  We enjoyed it, and it was the first time in 5 months that we were happy again.  I gave up and completely broke it off with my Ex for good.  There was no going back this time.  It was over and I was happy.

It was weird the first time the Guy and I met up after starting to flirt again.  We sat down and chit chatted for a few hours, watching one of my dogs play in the nearby river.  I wanted to curl up in his arms so bad, but I wasn't sure if the flirting was just going to be a game or if it's really how he felt.  Standing at our cars, I went to give him a hug goodbye, and at that very second we hugged, the feelings we both had for each other was very much apparent to both of us.  It wasn't a game on either of our parts.  The feelings were real and wanted to be let out.  We stood holding each other a while watching a baseball game (which we both hate) but that game was the best game ever.

That was a good 4 or 5 months ago.  Things are still complicated but each time we see each other, the feelings are stronger.  Today I didn't want to let him go.  His kisses have gone from pecks to actual caring, passionate kisses which get deeper and deeper every time.  I am scared to let my guard down, and even have tried to date other men just to keep my guard up.  I know that I've already fallen hard for him and it's not a "rebound" thing.  I'm scared that maybe I will fall in love with this man who is married to his work but still makes time every day to at least say hello and to check on me.  Whatever happens, I know I'll get hurt again but maybe it's worth it.  Who knows, maybe I won't.  

A Birthday Wish

It's been a while since I posted.  By the time I'm done with this post, I'll be 27 years old.  That's a scary scary thing.  Why haven't I posted in such a long time?  Well I just got too depressed to write.  Tonight though, for the first time in well, a good 13 years, I actually feel suicidal.  I actually feel like I have nothing to live for and have to write it out before I do something stupid.

So what has happened since the last time I wrote?  Well a lot can change in a year in a half.  Long story short: I took charge of my life, kicked my BF out of the house, and started to date again.  Yeah we all saw it coming but it took a long time for me to get up enough courage to do what needed to be done.  It's still not easy.

So why am I suicidal?  Sounds like I made things better right?  Well, yes and no.  I do not regret leaving my Ex, not in the slightest.  He's a good guy, I mean really he was in many ways.  He had his downfalls, but some woman will be lucky one day if they end up with him. He'll make someone very happy just not me.  I started dating a guy but it's more of a friends with benefits relationship then a true boyfriend relationship which at first I was fine with.  I really didn't want to be tied down since I have been for years yet, I needed someone to keep my mind busy and not feel completely alone since I only have one person I can really call a friend and she doesn't even live near me.  See why can't I take it from a FWB to a BF?  See his Ex still lives with him.  Yup, that's right.  At least he tells me it's his Ex.  It could still very well be his GF in her mind and she has no clue at all that he's cheating on her.  Yup, and I go ahead and get attached to that.  Aren't I smart??? Foolish.  I know what's going on even though I hope I'm over reacting, but I know better.  I know he still goes to sleep in the same bed she does.  I know he still kisses her, cuddles with her, more then likely still has sex with her.  -sighs-

So it could be worse.  At least you aren't really dating the guy, screw him and move on right?  Yeah well, without him I really will be 100% alone in my life besides my dogs.  I'm not ready for that yet or I would likely end myself.  What else could be worse?  I'm 27 years old, I work part time in a good job, but with no hours.  I can't find a full time job making anywhere near what I make where I work, so there's no use making $7.45hr at 40hrs a week with a ton more stress when I make 10.25 an hour at 20hrs a week with little stress.  Then I still have that POS car, which has the following list of troubles: Power steering is going out, exhaust system is bad, tail lights only work when they feel like it, trunk randomly pops open, dome light remains on if I don't pull the breaker out, the body is rusted through, alternator is about to go, battery is about to die... and the list goes on.  Can't get a job to pay for a new car, and now that I'm on my own, I have no money at all for anything like that.

Hmm... Yeah that's pretty rough but it could be worse!  Yeah it could be, but it seems like no matter what I do to better myself it goes to shit.  Get rid on the BF, get in a crappy relationship.  Join a SAR team (something I've wanted all my life), the team is shit and falls apart.  Nothing I do will ever pan out, and I can never catch a break.  I'm to the point where I just want this to all end.  I just want to be out of my misery.  I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.  This life sucks and I don't know how to make it better.  I don't know how to change anything.  Go to school?  I get screwed over on it.  I've applied to at least 100 jobs over the past few months and not one damn call back.  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  I have nothing besides my dogs to really live for.  I can't do anything I want to do, I can't do anything I need to do, and I'm just so tired of trying to only get beaten back down further then I was before.  I just want to catch a break.  I want a door to open and let me walk through it with out having it slam in my face and hear laughter on the other side.  I know I'm lucky for what I have, and I should be happy.  In a way I am happy that I've lucked out with what I have.  Hell I'm lucky I have a job at all, lucky to have a roof over my head, lucky to have my two dogs, lucky to even be alive.  Today though, on my birthday, all I wish for is the break I have been looking for and working for.  Something like a job that I'd enjoy and pay the bills.  That's all I really truly want is something that will allow me to finally take a step in the direction upwards and out of this hole I've been in for years.  I just want something to work out for once.  Is that so much to ask?

So yeah, petty issues I know.  I'm a pretty lucky girl all in all.  Tonight even though all I want to do is die, I'll go to bed here soon, drag myself out of bed tomorrow, and do it all over again.  Even though I wish I could die, and think about all the ways I could do it, I can't.  I don't want to hurt my family in that way.  So tonight I just cry for myself, pity myself, and set here hating myself.  Tomorrow I'll do the same thing, but at least the hurt is inside of me and not hurting anyone else.  I can't be the selfish to inflict that pain on my family and the two people I have that I could consider friends even though, if I never saw those two friends again I doubt I could even be a second thought in their mind...

Anyways, finished this 20mins before my Birthday starts.  So Happy Birthday to me, Regular Girl.  May you get through the day without too many tears and may your heavy heart be lifted somehow and your wish be granted.