I'm Lucky

I've been though hell over a lot of my adult life, but I'm lucky.  I still suffer from depression but at the same time it's been pretty minor and manageable. It's hard to change your mind set and how you think, and I still think really low of myself, but I know I'm lucky and I wouldn't change much in my life right now.

Guy and I are as strong as ever.  We have a bunch of bumps and stress going on but He's really amazing.  I've fallen in love with him, well I was in love with him for a very long time before this.  Sometimes I wonder if the day I met him I didn't fall in love with him.  I count my blessings about having this amazing man in my world who puts up with me and the mutts and comes back for more.  There are still things I'm not happy with but there is no relationship that's 100%, you have to take the good with the bad.  If the bad is him not being in the mood for sex too often and him not wanting to actually take the next step of living together.  I love him and if he needs it slow, then so be it.  I'm not going anywhere and for the time, I know he's not either.

Yeah I still don't think he'll stick forever but now of days, it doesn't happen.  Yeah I still lack confidence but whatever.  I just hope he remembers my deal that if he can't continue in our relationship then tell me, don't cheat.  We will work it out or move on without damaging our friendship as much as possible.  

I'm lucky.  Not a great job but it pays the bills, great dogs, good family, and one hell of a amazing man walking beside me.  I'm lucky that I got the chance to be with him, to let him show me his world, and to grow as much as I have. 

Depression Hits but, I'm Still Happy.

Depression is like this brick that is never off your chest.  Sometimes you find a way to release the pressure but it always comes back as a black hole that seems to grow bigger every time it hits.

Tonight it's hitting me hard again.  I'll make it just fine, but it's still hard to get through the day at times.  Guy and I have been together for just shy of a year now and it's been quite nice.  He sleeps over a few times a week, and it's just a nice feeling walking around among our group of co-workers holding hands after so long of hiding things.  He still has his issues, like being girl crazy, but he really goes out of his way to spoil me.  Sometimes its really hard for me to let my guard down and to let him spoil me, but I'm learning to let him do what he wants since it makes him happy and makes me happy.

It's just so sad that even though I'm so happy, depression overwhelms my happiness.  I'm still scared of getting hurt, it runs through my head all the time actually.  I won't allow my fear to stop this though.  As long as he's happy with me then that's all that matters.  Hopefully I don't screw this up because I don't want to ever let him go.  It's been years now and my feelings towards him have only grown more.  I've decided when it's time and he makes the same decision I have, well lets just say i'm going to make him very happy.  Hopefully he'll come to the same conclusion that I have and never let me go.

Wow has it been a long time!

I thought I had updated this blog a long time ago, but guess I didn't. 

So an update:
Cowboy the day after I wrote the last blog disappeared and never spoke to me again.  It was odd.  I texted him twice and never got a reply back.  I'm not the type of girl to bother people. If you want to text me, then you will if not, I'm not even going to bother trying.  So I still am not sure why things happened the way they did, but that's ok.  Not really interested in dealing with a guy that didn't really want to be around.

As for Guy?  Well, since the last post we decided to commit to each other and things really started going fantastic.  It's been 5 months now and things have only gotten better in our relationship.  He seems happy which is one of my wishes for him and I am happy, well as happy as depression will let you be.  We just recently went on a 4 day trip and really had fun.  We are finally getting comfortable with each other and it shows.  Finally feels like a real relationship that I have really wanted.

Ex is completely out of my life now, his choice.  On July 4th, Guy and I had to stop into a local grocery store on the way to a festival he was helping out at.  This store just happened to be the store that Ex worked at.  So before we drove there I texted EX to be kind and and make sure he wasn't working.  If he was we would have went to the store that was 5 miles the opposite direction that we were going (and we were pushed for time).  Ex FLIPPED OUT on me over text.  I mean just went off.   We had agreed not to bring each others SO's around each other but he brought his GF to MY HOUSE to grab stuff that he had left behind.  I really didn't care, I was happy he was moving on and was happy, but for me to do something like run into the store for 5 mins with Guy was the biggest sin ever and after that out side of me wishing him a Happy Birthday and him wishing me a Happy Birthday, not a peep.  It's kind of odd walking into his work (closest store and cheapest store so I shop there still) and having his work pals give me dirty looks while I shop.

So yeah, things are looking well for once.  Now if I can only get out of debt, have healthy dogs, and find a better car I would be even happier!

Three Words That Stop The World

Well Guy threw me a HUGE curve ball tonight.  It's no secret my feelings toward him, and hope much I just wanted him in my life to feel the same way as I did towards him.  Some actual clue as to where things were going and so forth.  Now I'm so conflicted.

So heres how the day went.  Cowboy spent the night here last night.  We started doing some drinking, just a beer, but it put me into an instant depression.  I cuddled up to him for the night and it was just a great night.  Woke up this morning to find him already dressed to head out, at 9am.  Really pissed me off.  So I spent the morning just being depressed and mopy.

Well I guess Guy was in the same mood.  I could tell instantly he was in a mood, I speak fluent Guy lingo anymore.  I told him I was really depressed but I'd get over it.  (I was just wanting to check on him since I blew him off the night before for Cowboy).  Then comes the words:

"You need to do what's right for you and makes you happy.  Don't worry about me I'll live. I'm crazy in love with you and always will be here if you change your mind"

Me: I'm a bit confused

Him: I'm the reason you're depressed.  I know I'm not enough for you.  You should be happy.  I take that away from you.

Hes... in... love... with... me...  WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!  I just don't get it.  Why now, after all of these months... wait a YEAR, why NOW????  Why tell me now?    I'm so torn.  Cowboy is awesome, and I know will go out of his way to make me happy.  Guy tries so hard but is so conflicted with himself.  Cowboy is 2 years older then I am while Guy in 12.  I dunno. I'm so confused because honestly I've loved Guy for a long time now but he said he didn't want a girlfriend or a relationship with me so I never said how I felt.  Figured I would just go along until I found someone else or he finally smartened up and did something.  Now I've found someone else ANY Guy smartened up.

Guess I'll just keep dating both (Guy does know about Cowboy) and see what happens.  I feel just like a horrible person for doing that though.  But I can't give up on Cowboy when Guy is so flip floppy.  WHY WHY WHY CAN'T LIFE BE SIMPLE?!?!?!

Life and it's Twists

So last month after another boring Friday and Saturday night, alone, bored, lonely I decided to reactivate my profile on an online dating site. It didn't take long before I got the same old guys messaging me along with a few new faces. One caught my attention and we seemed to hit it off really well online. He had a nice sense of humor, and had me laughing online, so when he asked me out I said sure. A bonfire, some beer, and hanging out was in order. Well he decided he couldn't wait and asked me to dinner a few days early. 30mins to get around isn't much time so I just tossed on my favorite jeans, my black heeled boots, and a nice little sweater and headed out to see him. Took him awhile to come out of his shell, and I do mean a while. Wasn't sure how things were going until the last little part of the date when everything fell into place.

That was a month ago. I actually really like him. That rarely happens where not only am I instantly attracted to a guy (in fact it's only happened once before) and we hit it off. He's pretty much became apart of my house. He'll stay the night, gives me random kisses when we are out and about, holds me close, and does those small things I've missed so much. Heck he even likes my dogs! He'll be referred to as Cowboy for now since he's a cowboy at heart.

Meanwhile Guy is still around, and I just can't find it in myself to break things off with him since well, there's not a real relationship to break off. I know that having me around gives him the strength that he needs sometimes to make it through his day and I don't want to take that from him even though I really want to start taking things seriously with Cowboy. Next month would be the one year anniversary of when we decided to try things again. Nothing has really changed at all. In fact since Guy got another part time job, besides 30mins here and there I never see him. We text a lot because his jobs aren't busy jobs, but he still has only stayed over at my house once in this whole year. Cowboy has already stayed 3 times, and he'd stay a lot more if his job didn't require him to be up at 6am.

I'll have to bring it up to Guy really soon before he finds out through the grapevine. I know Guy and I could have been very happy together and still could be but he isn't ready for that and I think that when I stop being a "secret" in his life I'll lose my luster with him. It just sucks but I've gotta focus on what makes me happy and I can tell you having a guy to cuddle up with at night, who actually offers to come take care of me when I'm sick (and does), offers to come to the vet and sit with me while I take care of my dog is something that makes me much happier then a guy who just says "is there anything I can do for you?"

Oh Valentines Day

You know, I really have never really liked this day at all.  Even when I had a Boyfriend it never felt right.  I remember one time my Ex bringing home a dozen roses for me, and be being pissed at him for it.  I was mad because we had no money and here he was spending unnecessary money on something that could have fed us for a few days when a single $3.99 rose would have meant the same thing to me or a $1.99 card, or just a back rub, cuddle, and loving sex.  I really shouldn't have been so hard on him looking back on it.  He tried so hard sometimes to make me happy and it was I who was the one who was setting our relationship up for sabotage. What he never learned was what I really wanted from him which has his love.  Him holding onto me for no reason at all.  Him pulling me to him on the couch and just gazing into my eyes and telling me what I actually meant to him.  No matter how I tried to explain it to him, he couldn't understand that while material things are nice, I didn't need them.  I needed him more.

Today was my second time as an adult being single on Valentines day and yet today had to be one of the best Valentines days I ever had.  Why?  Because it was simple.

I didn't expect Guy to do anything for me today since I'm not his girlfriend and doubt I'll even get that title in his life.  Instead he came by before I went to work which was wonderful.  1 1/2 hours of just cuddling, chit-chatting, and some kissing.  Perfect for me, just what I wanted... what I needed.  By the time I had to be at work, I felt like I was the happiest women in the world, I wasn't but it just felt great.  Here's a guy who while has his MAJOR faults (which I need to always keep in mind), took time before he started his day to come over and hold me.  That thrilled me.  I went to work with a huge smile on my face.

Guy surprised the hell out of me while I was at work.  I honestly think he forgot it was Valentines Day.  Out of no where, a bag of chocolates and a card appeared on my desk.  He quickly dropped it off with a smile on his face since I was helping a customer and I know I blushed like crazy.  That single move was the sweetest thing I could have ever wanted.  I'm a private person who doesn't like standing out so flowers would have been too much since everyone would have to see them and would have drawn attention to me.  Those candies and card were just enough for me to know that he cared.  That he took time out of his day to stop and grab those for me and not make me uncomfortable for the day.  Yeah, I know he didn't think that out at all, but it was perfect.

So today was pretty darn good of a day.  I"m going to bed with a smile on my face and good thoughts on my mind.

They Say We Women Are Hard To Understand

I know we really are hard to understand but I think guys are just as difficult at times.  I know a lot of it has to to with the differences between men and women but dang they are hard to understand.

Tonight Guy decided to stop over, really for no reason.  I think it's come down to him finding any excuse to stop over which honestly I don't mind.  I could tell right away he was in a bad mood, not toward me but in general.  Took him a while to relax but once he did it was a nice afternoon of chitchatting.  Our small talk has really come a long ways from where neither of us could really open up and everything was awkward. He was only suppose to me over for a little bit while he was waiting to go hang out with some friends of his.  Well as soon as he got a phone call saying his friends were running behind, one thing lead to another and well we ended in the bedroom again.  He never expected it which made it even better then normal.  This was all my decision and it was a great one.  As he left he gave me just the deepest hug and kiss, it was mind blowing.  For a guy who said he didn't want to be attached and so forth, things have really started to grow.

Tonight we were texting as always and something he said blew me away:
Me: I'm glad things have ended up the way they have
Him: Me too and I have high hopes for the future, which is rare for me

I'm trying not to think too much into that but wow.  I'm excited to see that he wants a future with me, what type of future who knows but he see's something with me in it.  I know what I feel for him isn't something that is to be ignored.  I know it's something that could grow into more, a lot more.  I'm still holding back no worries, I'm not ready to let that wall down.  It's starting to waver though and I feel it.  Just gotta hold off until he makes it clear to me on his home life.  The only thing that is holding everything back is his ex/girlfriend/whatever.  I know it took me forever to remove my Ex out of my life, but I don't think I can hold out for another year while he gets his act together.  Damn why can't things be easy?  Why can't I find a guy that isn't attached? -sighs-

Tissues and more Tissues

I don't know what's wrong with me tonight.  Why did I allow myself to get attached to an unreachable guy?  I mean why did I do this to myself?  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  I really should end this but I would really be alone.  He's the only reason why I leave the house, why I go out at all.  I don't like going out alone at all.  I don't even go to the store unless I have to.  I wish I was different.  I wish I was more confident, more sure of myself, happier, in a better mental place.  Instead I'm a loser who hides behind her computer screen hoping that something changes.  Never taking a chance.  Perhaps one day things will click and I'll step out of this shell and become the person I always wish I was.  Until then I guess I'll just hide behind my wall in the shadows and watch my world go by without me in it.

One Simple Phrase

It's amazing how when it comes to guys, how just one simple phrase when they are trying to make you feel better can make you feel even worse then you already do.

Yesterday I had a major breakdown.  I had a feeling it was coming, but I expected it just to be a normal depression event.  I didn't expect it to be a 4 hours, sit in one place and cry event.  Yesterday I needed someone like never before and I really realized I don't have anyone in my life at all. No one to pick me up anymore when I need it.  No one to give me a hug at my lowest and tell me the opposite of what tricks my mind is playing.  No one to tell me that things will be alright and I'm not the failure I feel like I am.

I made the mistake of relying on Guy for support.  Yeah that wasn't so smart.

"Is there anything I can do? I'm here and not going anywhere.  So if there is."

I text him a little while later after I felt like I was finally coming out of it, and nothing.  From 5pm until 8:30am, not one single word from him.  Yeah, fuck you too.  Yeah he knew how bad I was off, I wasn't hiding it from him.  The stress from work, home, everything just crashed down and I told him that.  I'm just lucky as fucked up as I am, I am still mentally stable.

This afternoon, I checked my mail and he had emailed me.  Pretty much stating that he's not going anywhere if that's any of the troubles that I'm having.  Which it isn't.  This is a quote from the email:

"I enjoy being friends with you."


Yeah THERE IT IS.  THERE IS THE PROBLEM.  

That's the thing that is irritating me, that weighs on my mind a lot.  "I enjoy being friends with you." Thanks...  Yeah thanks.  Friends is all I'll ever be to him, and I know this deep down.  Nothing will ever change that I guess.  I'm only good enough in him mind as a friend and for a play toy.  Yup, I feel really great about this.  That is sure going to make me feel so much better.  

So here lies my troubles.  Do I just stay friends with benefits (FWB) or do I end this and just go on my lonely way?  It's obvious I can't stay unattached.  He's the first guy who ever has made me feel like I was something "more" to him then just a piece of ass.  Even though we are FWB, he treated me as a friend, as a girlfriend, and as an actual lover instead of just something to be called when ever the mood struck.
  
I'm so TIRED of just being someone's sex toy.  I want someone to come home to that I can talk to, unstress with...  I NEED someone to talk to on days like the past two at work so I don't break down.  I miss coming home from work and sitting on the couch with someone and crying in their arms, telling them about my day, laughing at something stupid that they said.  I miss that.

So what do I do?  I deserve better then this, but in all honestly I won't ever find it.  Guess I need to teach the dogs to talk back to me, because they are the only things that I'll have to come home too.  I'll be the crazy dog lady for the rest of my life.  Alone, miserable, and lonely.  

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

I Will NOT Get Attached...

IT'S NOT WORKING!!!!!!

Why must all the actually good guys that I get along with, that I work well with, that actually make me happy have such things like Guy does?  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!!  Why can't he just be completely unattached?  Why must his Ex live with him?  Ok, yeah I know this is more then likely an affair like relationship but damn it!  WHY WHY WHY?!?!

What leads me to this post you ask?  Well last night he actually crashed at my place.  Yup stayed the whole night.  You know since I left the Ex, I've only had one guy stay over and it was a disaster.  Who wakes up another person just because you are awake when you know they have to work in the morning?  Guy?  He was perfect.  We've spent the night together before, but it was very early in the relationship and was in a tent for 4 days.  Last night was a "real" experience.  Even though I felt him get out of bed a few times, He always tried to be quiet, careful, even made sure I was covered each time when he got up.  It was the sweetest thing.  All night he had a hand on me in some way, even if I laid on the other side of the bed, he would cuddle up close enough to touch me.  I could feel him all night long, it was wonderful.  I am a very clingy girl, I'll admit to that.  I want nothing more then to be held all the time, cuddled with, touched, I don't care if I'm just standing in a store, I LOVE to have an arm wrapped around me randomly and a kiss on the cheek.  It goes a LONG way to making me happy.  I'm also independent, so finding that threshold is hard, but Guy has it nailed.  

I'm really going to be completely heart broken when/if things fall apart.  Sex is amazing, he is amazing, and he makes me happy and I can tell I make him happy (otherwise he wouldn't come over randomly just to hang out, no sex expected).  This just stinks.  -sighs- 

Second Guessing

Today I am second guessing myself.  See I've NEVER been good at being alone.  I remember growing up and watching all my friends starting to date and being very jealous of them.  I've never been good at it.  Guys that I've liked have all felt I was too good for them, that I was out of their league.  I'm not though.  I'm not a perfect woman, I'm actually far from it.  All I want is someone that will go hiking with me, pick me up off the ground randomly, maybe push me up against a tree and kiss me like I'm the only woman for them.  To walk up behind me as I sit somewhere and give me a hug.  To hold me on nights like tonight where I'm in tears and tell me everything's ok.

Instead I find guys who never want a real relationship.  Who never call, who never seek me out.  I always feel like a burden, even when I'm told I'm not.  I give up.  Even the one guy who gives me the time of day will never go beyond the friends with benefits.  He's not ready for anything like that and to be honest as much as I enjoy being around him and crave him, I know it would never work.

The only thing I'll ever be good for in a mans eye is sex.  Hell I'm lucky I can ever be friends or make a friend with either gender.  Tonight I second guess my decision to break things off with my Ex even though I know that I'm far happier having a friends with benefits then I was ever with him.  Being alone just sucks.  As much as I love my dogs, they just don't fill that void.

Ramblings

You know as a teenager the only thing you wish is to grow up.  To stop being that stupid kid and go out on your own.  I was never like that.  I knew that those times were the best time of my life.  Honestly?  No they were, but they sure were a lot easier times.  I LOVE being an adult, even with the stresses of paying bills and  working, I enjoy it.  I wouldn't go back to my teen years ever... ok maybe just long enough to tell myself to PUSH through school, and do something in my life.

Today was a boring day.  Ok well, not completely boring but boring all the same.  The Guy came over for a visit today.  I was quite shocked, since yesterday I told him "I have tomorrow off if you get bored" and gave him a kiss goodbye as we left a meeting.  I didn't actually expect him to show up.  It was a nice day just cuddlings and chit-chatting.  I hear the same stories over and over again but I enjoy them all the same.  At one point though, we ended up having sex.  I caught a glance of us in my full length mirror and for once what was happening just kind of hit me.  I guess it's something that my mind hasn't been able to wrap around.  There I was with him, with just pure happiness and excitement on my face.  I don't think I've ever seen myself with that look on my face.  It was odd.  Now I can't get that image out of my head (not that I really want to).  Why does my mind play these games on me?  I know that in the end this won't work out.  He's too much of a player for me to ever really trust him.  He'll sleep with other women without a second thought. That's who he is.  I guess I'll enjoy what I have now though.
--------------------------------

On another note, I decided to try out online dating.  It's not like I'm confident enough to go meet a guy out at a bar.  It's been it's own adventure thats for sure. Tips for online dating for men:
1. Don't post photos of you flicking off the camera.  Really it's lame, childish, and tasteless
2. Messages that say "Hey" really are about as pointless as they come.  I'd rather someone message me and say "You have gum on your shoe" which at least I could have fun with over "hey" which will just make me pass over you.
3. Don't post photos of you and your Ex.  That's just self explanatory
4. Speaking of your children at the beginning is GREAT!  Many women don't mind that you have kids.  Telling me you have kids 3 weeks later on a date when you let it slip is BAD.
5. Watch what you use for your username.  When I see something that says Slasher69, I'm not impressed.  Neither is something like "Allnightlover", "hard4u", or anything that says "69" or "420".  Your username is the first thing we see and is your first impression.

Surprising Myself

You know, I've been ready to move on with my life for years now.  I remember back in Feb of 2010 being over all the drama and just wishing things were a bit different where I could move on with my life.  What I didn't realize was how ready I was to move on when things started to happen.

I still remember the first time I laid eyes on him.  I still remember thinking "Wow, he's really cute" as he came up and introduced himself.  I remember having that stupid smile of mine on my face as he spoke to me.  I remember wanting to strangle him as he fed my dog sugar even though I knew I didn't want him to, but I just couldn't say no to that smile.  I knew that very day that my life would be changing and it wasn't even scary.  I knew that he was going to start a chain of events that would change my life for good.  Two days later after talking to the guy online, I broke it off with my now Ex.  

I wasn't stupid, I didn't expect the relationship to go anywhere.   This was however the first guy that I had actually clicked with... well ever I guess now that I'm thinking about it.  It's not like I hadn't had so many opportunities over the years to date other guys, fool around, even cheat.  Even in the most unhappy relationship I couldn't do it though.  I met up with men, even went back to their hotel rooms with a few (close guy friends), but never cheated.  Every man I friended respected me and my morals, even if they were unhappy about it.  In November, I had the most amazing sex with this man, and it literally changed my world.  

I know you are saying "That sounds so cliché" but it's the truth.  I never knew that something like that could change someone's view so much.  It was the first time I had ever really felt wanted, that it wasn't for the guy, but for me as well.  Never had I felt so amazing.  I was saddened right after it that our small, relationship kind of crashed down around me and I got sucked up into the Exes game again.  I ended that relationship and turned it into a friendship that helped me through so much that was to come.  

The relationship with the Ex was back on, and I was manipulated so badly that there was some days where I didn't even want to get up in the mornings.  To say I was unhappy is an understatement, but I tried to make it work for the 3rd time but deep down I knew almost instantly that I'd never look at the Ex the same way.  I felt empty, alone, hurt...  The burden was almost too much for me to handle but thankfully I had one good, close friend that kept me going with his wise words, cute antics, and level headedness.  Yes, that close friend was the guy I had broken things off with even though I really didn't want to.  Then one day, the flirting came back like old times and confused us both.  We enjoyed it, and it was the first time in 5 months that we were happy again.  I gave up and completely broke it off with my Ex for good.  There was no going back this time.  It was over and I was happy.

It was weird the first time the Guy and I met up after starting to flirt again.  We sat down and chit chatted for a few hours, watching one of my dogs play in the nearby river.  I wanted to curl up in his arms so bad, but I wasn't sure if the flirting was just going to be a game or if it's really how he felt.  Standing at our cars, I went to give him a hug goodbye, and at that very second we hugged, the feelings we both had for each other was very much apparent to both of us.  It wasn't a game on either of our parts.  The feelings were real and wanted to be let out.  We stood holding each other a while watching a baseball game (which we both hate) but that game was the best game ever.

That was a good 4 or 5 months ago.  Things are still complicated but each time we see each other, the feelings are stronger.  Today I didn't want to let him go.  His kisses have gone from pecks to actual caring, passionate kisses which get deeper and deeper every time.  I am scared to let my guard down, and even have tried to date other men just to keep my guard up.  I know that I've already fallen hard for him and it's not a "rebound" thing.  I'm scared that maybe I will fall in love with this man who is married to his work but still makes time every day to at least say hello and to check on me.  Whatever happens, I know I'll get hurt again but maybe it's worth it.  Who knows, maybe I won't.  

A Birthday Wish

It's been a while since I posted.  By the time I'm done with this post, I'll be 27 years old.  That's a scary scary thing.  Why haven't I posted in such a long time?  Well I just got too depressed to write.  Tonight though, for the first time in well, a good 13 years, I actually feel suicidal.  I actually feel like I have nothing to live for and have to write it out before I do something stupid.

So what has happened since the last time I wrote?  Well a lot can change in a year in a half.  Long story short: I took charge of my life, kicked my BF out of the house, and started to date again.  Yeah we all saw it coming but it took a long time for me to get up enough courage to do what needed to be done.  It's still not easy.

So why am I suicidal?  Sounds like I made things better right?  Well, yes and no.  I do not regret leaving my Ex, not in the slightest.  He's a good guy, I mean really he was in many ways.  He had his downfalls, but some woman will be lucky one day if they end up with him. He'll make someone very happy just not me.  I started dating a guy but it's more of a friends with benefits relationship then a true boyfriend relationship which at first I was fine with.  I really didn't want to be tied down since I have been for years yet, I needed someone to keep my mind busy and not feel completely alone since I only have one person I can really call a friend and she doesn't even live near me.  See why can't I take it from a FWB to a BF?  See his Ex still lives with him.  Yup, that's right.  At least he tells me it's his Ex.  It could still very well be his GF in her mind and she has no clue at all that he's cheating on her.  Yup, and I go ahead and get attached to that.  Aren't I smart??? Foolish.  I know what's going on even though I hope I'm over reacting, but I know better.  I know he still goes to sleep in the same bed she does.  I know he still kisses her, cuddles with her, more then likely still has sex with her.  -sighs-

So it could be worse.  At least you aren't really dating the guy, screw him and move on right?  Yeah well, without him I really will be 100% alone in my life besides my dogs.  I'm not ready for that yet or I would likely end myself.  What else could be worse?  I'm 27 years old, I work part time in a good job, but with no hours.  I can't find a full time job making anywhere near what I make where I work, so there's no use making $7.45hr at 40hrs a week with a ton more stress when I make 10.25 an hour at 20hrs a week with little stress.  Then I still have that POS car, which has the following list of troubles: Power steering is going out, exhaust system is bad, tail lights only work when they feel like it, trunk randomly pops open, dome light remains on if I don't pull the breaker out, the body is rusted through, alternator is about to go, battery is about to die... and the list goes on.  Can't get a job to pay for a new car, and now that I'm on my own, I have no money at all for anything like that.

Hmm... Yeah that's pretty rough but it could be worse!  Yeah it could be, but it seems like no matter what I do to better myself it goes to shit.  Get rid on the BF, get in a crappy relationship.  Join a SAR team (something I've wanted all my life), the team is shit and falls apart.  Nothing I do will ever pan out, and I can never catch a break.  I'm to the point where I just want this to all end.  I just want to be out of my misery.  I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.  This life sucks and I don't know how to make it better.  I don't know how to change anything.  Go to school?  I get screwed over on it.  I've applied to at least 100 jobs over the past few months and not one damn call back.  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  I have nothing besides my dogs to really live for.  I can't do anything I want to do, I can't do anything I need to do, and I'm just so tired of trying to only get beaten back down further then I was before.  I just want to catch a break.  I want a door to open and let me walk through it with out having it slam in my face and hear laughter on the other side.  I know I'm lucky for what I have, and I should be happy.  In a way I am happy that I've lucked out with what I have.  Hell I'm lucky I have a job at all, lucky to have a roof over my head, lucky to have my two dogs, lucky to even be alive.  Today though, on my birthday, all I wish for is the break I have been looking for and working for.  Something like a job that I'd enjoy and pay the bills.  That's all I really truly want is something that will allow me to finally take a step in the direction upwards and out of this hole I've been in for years.  I just want something to work out for once.  Is that so much to ask?

So yeah, petty issues I know.  I'm a pretty lucky girl all in all.  Tonight even though all I want to do is die, I'll go to bed here soon, drag myself out of bed tomorrow, and do it all over again.  Even though I wish I could die, and think about all the ways I could do it, I can't.  I don't want to hurt my family in that way.  So tonight I just cry for myself, pity myself, and set here hating myself.  Tomorrow I'll do the same thing, but at least the hurt is inside of me and not hurting anyone else.  I can't be the selfish to inflict that pain on my family and the two people I have that I could consider friends even though, if I never saw those two friends again I doubt I could even be a second thought in their mind...

Anyways, finished this 20mins before my Birthday starts.  So Happy Birthday to me, Regular Girl.  May you get through the day without too many tears and may your heavy heart be lifted somehow and your wish be granted.

Sometimes I wonder about people...

I can't say I've ever been one to hold a grudge. Heck I forgave my boyfriend after even cheating on me. I've had bosses who tried to pin things on me to get me fired, coworkers who have pulled stunts who got me in some serious trouble, and people who have bad mouthed me to the point where it honestly hurt. Today if any of those people needed help, I'd still stand up and help them out if I could. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm a bigger person then most, maybe I'm TOO forgiving.. Who knows.

I say this because of Facebook. I have been on the internet since I was 12 years old. Way back when EVERYONE used AOL 3.1 (Remember having to wait to connect to the server using 56K modems????). Facebook has become a place to connect with old friends, old enemies, family that you may or may not want to find, and coworkers as well. It can be an amazing place. I use it to keep in touch with a lot of my online friends across the country that if I didn't have them on Facebook, I may never hear from them again.

What I don't understand is calling out people on Facebook because you have an issue with them. Calling someone a "Stupid C***" and a "Raging Whore" on Facebook is not only point less "OH I called you a name online!!! Go me!" but what's actually happens to a person to bring this type of behavior out of a person? I can understand setting a record straight on Facebook with your friends like "I didn't have sexual relations with that woman!" But I don't see the point to actually trash talk another person on such a public place or even on your private wall. How can you be so disrespectful to yourself and to that person, no matter what they did.

Like this thing with Osama being killed. Don't get me wrong, I can say I'm happy be is gone from this earth but people celebrating in the streets, posting statuses about his death in a demising way. Even our military men and women had enough respect for the guy to give him a OK funeral that would be ok with his religion. The man who they have been hunting for the past 10 years and they still treated him with some respect, and thats far more respect then we give to each other online.

These are thoughts that go through my head as the days go pass. As the sayings say "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." and "Treat others the way you want to be treated". Maybe if more people lived these rules life would be just a tad simpler for the rest of us.

Depression is a B****

It's been a bit since I last posted. If you don't see a post for a while, it's a good thing. It means that I've been handling my depression and life well and haven't needed to vent. Thank you to the person who committed. It's good to know there are others out there reading things. I never thought someone would read this blog, in fact I have never even told anyone about this blog, so to have someone read this and post is amazing to me. Thanks!

I've tried really hard to kick people from my life that have been causing drama and other such hardships in my life. I recently started playing an MMORPG again (not WOW for those of you who know what that is) and I've met up with some cool people though it. Tonight though, there was/is a couple talking about how wonderful their marriage is and how they keep things spicy in their sex life and other such things. I really want to cry. They are talking about how they have sex once a day even with kids, how he goes out of his way to surprise her with random acts of kindness and help, and other things I dream of. Here I am in a relationship where Sex, well whats that? That 3 mins ever 2 to 4 months where my boyfriends kisses me and then crawls out of bed and goes back to ignoring me?

My boyfriend brought me something for Easter... a flipping $40 flower... Yeah FORTY DOLLARS for a freaking flower! This comming from the man who doesn't pay for any bills, doesn't do jack for me in any way shape or form, spends flipping FORTY DOLLARS ON A FLOWER! Good lord! Thats a week of food or the water bill! I would love to tell him to take it back (I kind of did, but he took it as a joke) but I know it would upset him. WHY must I be such a kind person? Why must I not want to hurt people??? I spend so much time trying to please others then pleasing myself that I get depressed like I am today.


I did start dog classes again which has been a relief for me. Just an hour a week to get away and do something for me that I like to do. I miss my weekends off and being at dog shows. I miss it dearly. I can't wait to get back to it. Maybe when I get a puppy I'll be able to get back to my normal life. Maybe when I find a full time job where I don't have to work 2 jobs and have no days off...

I rally hate my life. Why can't I just get a flipping break and have a door open. I really wonder some days what I did in a past life to be put through what I'm going through. I treat others the way I want to be treated and all I get is hell...

As the song goes "But tomorrow's another day and I'm thirsty anyways. So bring on the rain..."

I Blew Up

I blew up tonight. I really shouldn't have, but I couldn't take it. I mean I'm TIRED of feeling used. This week I spent $120 on food, getting him more then myself. Cookies which I'll never eat, food that contains shrimp that I have, beer to make him happy, and then I spent $15 on Cigs because I know that he can't afford them this week. Today he forgot his pop at home, so what does he do? Calls me and begs me to bring him a soda and dinner. Fuck that!

I lost it tonight. I was looking for a new Car online and realized I don't think I can afford one, even though I NEED one. I don't know how much more I can take of all of this. I'm losing my mind. Is it so much to ask to be equal? I can't afford this. I'm living outside of my means. Hell, he NEVER got me a Christmas gift, I brought my Christmas gift from him, he NEVER paid me back.

I know everyone says "your a nice girl, you can do better" but I'm convinced that there aren't good guys out there that I could be with. Not that I mind being alone, at least I won't have to bother asking them if I can go out on a weekend or why I'm spending $60 on dog training classes. Even why I'm buying something for the dog...

I'm tired of all of this bullshit. Why can't my life just go right for once???

Just STOP Bothering the Dog!

I live in a 525 sqft one bedroom house. It really is TINY. Living here with me is my boyfriend of 9 years and my 65lb American Pit Bull Terrier (who is the love of my life sad but true). It's been a COLD winter here and this tiny house is heated by a wall furnace located in the living room. It's a mad dash between all of us in the house to get to that heater when it kicks on to just get that bone chilling cold out of our bodies for just a few moments.

My dog N. LOVES the heat. He'll lay in front of that heater, or really any source of heat until he starts panting, and then stays put. My Boyfriend (known as BF from now on) is this skinny guy of 130lbs who is 5'11" tall (yeah, no clue why he's lost so much weight over the past few months) who gets cold if you walk past him and theres a wind constantly fights my dog for the heat and this annoys the heck out of me.

BF will yell at N. to move, which causes N. to run to me in the kitchen. N. then starts bugging me to tell me that the BF told him to move (Picture a kid running up to their mother and tattle tailing on their sibling and you get a good picture of what I deal with). I tell N. to go lay down which then sets the BF off because N. MUST go past the heater to get into the living room, and as soon as N. feels the heat he stops and tries to lay down which is NOT want the BF wants at all. So for the 7mins the heater is on, it's a constant battle of the BF vs N.

How hard is it to just share the heat? I mean really, come on. The dog is laying on the floor, minding his own business. You can step over the dog, he will not move. He's far enough away from the heater where you can stand in front of the heater and not be bothered by the dog. Just leave the F&*#&*g dog ALONE!

I know it seems petty, but this has been going on EVERY DAY since OCTOBER! I mean really? REALLY?!?! You can't just leave the dog alone?!?!? Then you FIGHT me over telling you to PLEASE stop making the dog move every time you walk next to the heater? Is it that hard to PICK UP YOUR FEET AND STEP OVER THE DOG?!?!?!!! Stop being so lazy and just do it. I swear my BF only does this stuff because he doesn't like the dog, which I would just like to point out that HE is the one who wanted to get a dog! I wanted a cat. I'm not glad we got a dog, because it changed my life and I ended up finding something I love to do, but He is the reason why we got a dog in the first place. Suck it up and deal with it!

You'll hear a LOT about my BF in the future. This is only the beginning...

And so it begins

First of all, I'll tell everyone right off the bat, I'm not that great of a writer. It's very hard for me to get my feelings out on paper...erm... how would you put that? Out on the hard drive? Monitor maybe? All well, that's not important. You know what I mean.

I'm just a regular gal working a regular job, and living a regular life. I'm not special, I'm no smarter then the next person, I'm no prettier then your average woman, heck I really have nothing special about me at all. I'm just who I am plain and simple.

I do suffer from depression which what working American adult doesn't anymore? All you have to do is look at your paycheck and that depression just sinks deep into the pit of your stomach. Turn on the TV, and the media is right there pressing issues down your throat and attempting to scare you into defeat. Yeah but something is messed up in my head causing most days to be "woe is me" days according to the doctors, but sometimes I really wonder if they aren't over reacting and I'm just normal.

What pushed me to start this "diary" was an argument with my boyfriend of 9 years. I don't have any friends. I've always been a loner in life, very anti-social, so I needed a place to just write what's going on in my head. It's doubtful that anyone will ever take the time to read this diary, but maybe one day someone will. Maybe they are feeling alone like myself and this blog just will give them a little boost that they need to get through life.

So yeah now that I'm rambling, I guess I should post this. Anonymous posting will me enabled because sometimes, you need to speak out but not be found and that's why I'm writing this out. While I need to say what needs to be said, I don't need the few people in my life finding out what goes on in my head. It's scary enough just me knowing what goes on in there. I don't need people I know in there as well.